♪♪
让我们在一起 ♪ Let's stay together
男：布鲁斯。 Man: Bruce.
我想，当烤肉结束的时候， I think when this roast is over,
你会发现自己是一个微笑的混蛋。 you gonna find yourself one smiling motherfucker.
问题是，布鲁斯，现在， Thing is, Bruce, right now,
你是一个63岁的动作英雄。 you're a 63-year-old action hero.
这是生活中难以接受的事实。 That's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life.
但这是人生的一个事实 But it's a fact of life
你的屁股必须要现实一点。 your ass is gonna have to get realistic about.
如果你认为随着年龄的增长，它会变得更好，但事实并非如此。 If you think it gets better with age, it don't.
你还剩下多少部电影？ How many of those movies have you got left in you?
二。 Two.
你从未获得过奥斯卡奖， You never won an Academy Award,
如果你想赢一场，你现在就赢了。 and if you were gonna win one, you would've won it by now.
你是我的黑鬼吗？ Are you my nigga?
它看起来确实如此。 It certainly appears so.
现在，在烤的那个晚上，你可能会感到刺痛。 Now, the night of the roast, you may feel a sting.
这是和你一起的骄傲。 That's pride fuckin' with ya.
他妈的骄傲。 Fuck pride.
骄傲只会伤人。 Pride only hurts.
我看过你拍的电影。 I've seen the movies you've made.
你从来没有骄傲过，那为什么现在就开始呢？ You never had any pride, so why start now?
因为一年后，当你在加勒比海踢球的时候， 'Cause a year from now, when you kickin' it in the Caribbean,
你会说，“喜剧中心是对的。” you gonna say, "Comedy Central was right."
当他们用那些笑话打你的时候，你会笑。 When they hit you with those jokes, you laugh.
说出来。 Say it.
当他们用那些笑话打我的时候…… When they hit me with those jokes...
我笑了。 I laugh.
现在出去。 Now get out there.
是时候让你的屁股上了中世纪了。 It's time to get medieval on your ass.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
范哈伦的"我是唯一的" [ Van Halen's "I'm the One" plays ]
到海边去。 Come out to the coast.
我们会聚在一起，开怀大笑。 We'll get together, have a few laughs.
关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
哇！ Whoo!
关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
我们来这里是为了娱乐你 ♪ We came here to entertain you ♪
离开这里，我们使你更加恶化 ♪ Leaving here we aggravate you ♪
你不知道这对我来说是一样的 ♪ Don't you know it means the same to me ♪
亲爱的，我是你爱的人 ♪ Honey, I'm the one, the one you love ♪
来吧，宝贝，表达你的爱 ♪ Come on, baby, show your love ♪
嘿，把它给我 ♪ Hey, give it to me
我看到了一种充满了这个房间的光芒 ♪ I see a glow that fills this room ♪
我看到它从你的身体里滚了出来 ♪ I see it rolling off of you
现在你的信息来自上面 ♪ And now your message from above ♪
我在告诉你 ♪ I'm tellin' you
哦，表达你的爱 ♪ Ow, show your love
表达你的爱 ♪ Show your love
这是布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉。 This is the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis.
关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
现在请欢迎你的Roastmaster， And now please welcome your Roastmaster,
约瑟夫戈登-莱维特。 Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
哇！ Whoa!
♪♪
谢谢。 Thank you.
谢谢，女士们，先生们。 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
欢迎收看布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉！ And welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
我很高兴能来到这里。 I am thrilled to be here.
我一生都是布鲁斯威利斯的超级粉丝。 I've been a huge Bruce Willis fan my entire life.
我父亲是布鲁斯威利斯的超级粉丝。 My father was a huge Bruce Willis fan.
他的父亲是一个巨大的布鲁斯威利斯迷， His father was a huge Bruce Willis fan,
他的父亲在他面前。 and his father before him.
但是作为一个演员，我真的很佩服布鲁斯的工作。 Uh, but as an actor, I-I really admire Bruce's work.
他可以从一个混蛋警察那里玩任何东西 He can play anything from an asshole cop
给一个混蛋的前警察。 to an asshole ex-cop.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
当你得到像布鲁斯这样的明星时， And when you got a star like Bruce,
组装一个伟大的讲台是不费任何力气的。 it takes no effort to assemble a great dais.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
是的。 Yeah.
一点也不努力。 No effort at all.
我们有国内权威玛莎斯图尔特和我们在一起。 We have domestic guru Martha Stewart here with us.
玛莎。 Martha.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
玛莎今晚会做得很好。 Martha's gonna do great tonight.
呃，她已经习惯了不需要的剩菜。 Uh, she's used to working with unwanted leftovers.
李尔，很高兴见到你，先生。 Lil Rel, good to see you, sir.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
呃，Lil Rel在"卡迈克尔秀"上 Uh, Lil Rel was on "The Carmichael Show,"
现在他有了自己的节目。 and now he's got his own show.
评论家说这是相似的 And critics say that it'll be similar
“卡迈克尔秀”——被取消了。 to "The Carmichael Show" -- canceled.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我们有凯文波拉克，是的。 We got Kevin Pollak. Yeah.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
他参加了"了不起的梅塞尔夫人"的演出。 He's in the show "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
嗯，他扮演的是一个叫莫伊的角色。 Um, he plays a character named Moishe Maisel.
她？ Moishe?
如果这是犹太人的话，那就能控制天气了。 If that was any more Jewish, it would control the weather.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
爱德华诺顿在这里真是太棒了。 And it's awesome that Edward Norton is here.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
怎么了，伙计？ What's up, man?
世界上最伟大的在世演员之一 One of the world's greatest living actors
将会被爱德华诺顿烘焙。 is going to get roasted by Edward Norton.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我们也有和平缔造者丹尼斯罗德曼 We also have peacemaker Dennis Rodman
今晚和我们在一起。 here with us tonight.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
丹尼斯罗德曼再次从朝鲜回来。 Dennis Rodman returning once again from North Korea.
呃，你知道，丹尼斯可能是这个星球上唯一的人 Uh, you know, Dennis may, uh, be the only person on the planet
谁能阻止核战争。 who can prevent a nuclear war.
所以我想这是再见。 So I guess this is goodbye.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
但今晚是我们的嘉宾。 But tonight is about our guest of honor.
让我们看看布鲁斯威利斯的行动， Let's see Bruce Willis in action,
因为没人想在喜剧中看到他。 because nobody wants to see him in a comedy.
嘿。 Hey.
你是谁？警察？ Who are you? A cop?
Grant：你错了 Grant: You're the wrong guy
在错误的时间出现在错误的地点。 in the wrong place at the wrong time.
男：你知道我喜欢什么样的人吗？ Man: You know what kind guys I roll with?
我的人生故事。 Story of my life.
死硬。 Die hards.
朋友，欢迎来参加聚会。 Welcome to the party, pal.
我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis
就像布鲁斯威利斯一样，我是一个死硬的人 ♪ Like Bruce Willis, I'm a die hard ♪
我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis
我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪
我是一个死硬的莱特曼：布鲁斯威利斯。 ♪ I'm a die hard Letterman: Bruce Willis.
斯图尔特：当你带着一顶帽子走到“莱特曼”的时候…… Stewart: When you walked out on "Letterman" with a meat hat...
-不，这完全是自然的。-嗯。 - No, this is all-natural. - Uh-huh.
我对你的尊敬从屋顶上走了出来。 ...my esteem for you went through the roof.
我有精神疾病。 I am mentally ill.
这是一个奇迹！ It's a miracle!
我看到死人。 I see dead people.
在你的梦里？ In your dreams?
没有私人恩怨。我只是讨厌你。 Nothing personal. I just hate you.
你知道，我非常尊敬你告诉我这个。 You know, I respect you so much for telling me that.
我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis
我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪
你知道有些演员拒绝出演角色吗？ Did you know that some actors turn down roles?
辛西亚：你不想让每个人都感到害怕。 Cynthia: You don't want to be intimidating everybody.
你曾经是一个很快乐的人。 You used to be such a happy-go-lucky guy.
嘿，我很快乐——我很快乐，很幸运。 Hey, I'm happy-go-- I'm very happy-go-lucky.
如果你不尊重自己 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪
没人会给你一个好东西 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪
布鲁斯，布鲁斯，布鲁斯，布鲁斯！ Together: Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!
我们爱他如摇滚明星。 We love him as a rock star.
♪♪
美国政府刚刚要求我们拯救世界。 The United States government just asked us to save the world.
有人想说不吗？ Anybody want to say no?
哈蒂根：这是结束合作的一种方式。 Hartigan: Hell of a way to end a partnership.
感觉那个刺，大男孩，是吗？那是和你一起的骄傲。 Feel that sting, big boy, huh? That's pride fuckin' with you.
如果你喜欢赌博，我告诉你我是你的男人 ♪ If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man ♪
很幸运，是吧？ Pretty lucky shot, huh?
你赢了一些，输了一些，对我来说都一样 ♪ You win some, lose some, all the same to me ♪
你不会杀我的。 You're not gonna kill me.
不，杰克是。 No. Jack is.
我不认同你的贪婪 ♪ I don't share your greed
我唯一需要的就是黑桃a ♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪
哇！黑桃a Whoo! ♪ The ace of spades
谁是Zed？ Who's Zed?
Zed死了，宝贝。 Zed's dead, baby.
-啊！-Zed死了。 - Aah! - Zed's dead.
你知道我生来就会失去 ♪ You know I'm born to lose
赌博是傻瓜 ♪ And gambling's for fools
但这就是我喜欢的方式，宝贝 ♪ But that's the way I like it, baby ♪
我不想永远活下去 ♪ I don't wanna live forever
-你没事吧？-我的胆固醇有点高。 - You all right? - My cholesterol's a little high.
还有谁想谈判吗？ Anybody else want to negotiate?
哦，该死！ Oh, shit!
米基：哦，不，把我放回去。把我放回去。 Mikey: Oh, no, put me back in. Put me back in.
你看到的唯一的东西 ♪ The only thing you see
你知道这将会是 ♪ You know it's gonna be
黑桃a ♪ The ace of spades
你真的认为你有机会和我们对抗，牛仔先生？ Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
小丫头，妈的。 Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.
该死的。 Motherfucker.
我是威廉福克纳。 Yippee ki-yay, William Faulkner.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
他有第六感。 He's got a sixth sense.
让我们希望这是一种幽默感。 Let's hope it's a sense of humor.
女士们，先生们，请欢迎这个时刻的到来， Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour,
布鲁斯威利斯！ Bruce Willis!
♪♪
-你感觉很好？-是的。 - You feeling good? - Yes.
-你准备好了吗？-很好。 - Are you ready for this? - Very well.
布鲁斯威利斯。 So, Bruce Willis.
这是一种职业，对吧？ What a career, right?
"第五元素"第六感" "The Fifth Element," "The Sixth Sense,"
“整个9码，”“12只猴子”。 "The Whole Nine Yards," "12 Monkeys."
零个奥斯卡奖。 Zero Oscars.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
昆汀塔伦蒂诺，m奈特沙马兰， Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan,
韦斯安德森，迈克尔贝， Wes Anderson, Michael Bay,
这些只是布鲁斯的一些导演 these are just some of Bruce's directors
今晚谁拒绝来这里。 who refused to be here tonight.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
如果你把白色部分分离出来就会得到布鲁斯威利斯 Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part
“摇滚”的约翰逊。 of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
而且，不仅仅是动作电影让布鲁斯成为明星。 And -- And it's not just action movies that made Bruce a star.
他也是一个很有戏剧效果的演员。 He's actually a great dramatic actor, too.
我喜欢“第六感”。 I loved "The Sixth Sense."
这是一部很棒的电影。 It's a great movie.
这是一个令人印象深刻的表演。 And it's a really impressive performance.
我不知道你怎么假装不觉得尴尬 I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed
当一个10岁的孩子在你周围绕圈子。 while a 10-year-old kid acted circles around you.
但你做到了。 But you did it.
还有结尾。 And, uh -- And the ending.
我没有看到这种扭曲的到来。 I did not see that twist coming.
我的意思是我不应该破坏它，但是。 I mean I-I shouldn't spoil it, but...
我的意思是，去他妈的，已经有20年了。 I mean, fuck it. It's been like 20 years.
太好了。 It's so good.
好了，在第六感的结尾， Okay, so, at the end of "The Sixth Sense,"
布鲁斯又回到了制作劣质电影的地方。 Bruce goes back to making shitty movies.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我和布鲁斯一起工作 I had a blast working with Bruce
在一部叫做“游路者”的穿越时空的电影里。 in a time-travel movie called "Looper."
欢呼和掌声感谢你，谢谢。 [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you.
所以，在电影里，我扮演一个年轻的布鲁斯威利斯， So, in the film, uh, I play a young Bruce Willis,
他扮演的是布鲁斯威利斯。 and he played a washed-up Bruce Willis.
但这是一个疯狂的科幻故事 But it was this crazy sci-fi premise
我在未来的生活中 where I end up in the future
布鲁斯在1999年之后拍了一部好电影。 and Bruce ends up in a good movie made after 1999.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我们希望你今晚过得愉快， We want you to have a good time tonight,
但是不要太过舒服， but don't get too comfortable up here,
因为以后，我们会取代你 because later, we're gonna be replacing you
和阿什顿库彻一起。 with Ashton Kutcher.
放松点！ Relax!
放松。 Relax.
布鲁斯和他相处得很好。 Bruce gets along with him fine.
他甚至在阿什顿和黛米的婚礼上。 He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding.
他的礼物是一台烤面包机和9000万美元。 His gift was a toaster and $90 million.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
好吧，听着，不管大家今晚在这里说什么， Well, listen, whatever anybody says here tonight,
这是事实，明白吗？ here's the truth, okay?
在内心深处，我们每一个人 Deep down, every single one of us
希望我们有这样的勇气， wishes that we have that -- that courage,
那种大摇大摇的样子，就像，我不给你他妈的—— that swagger of, like, I don't give a fuck that --
你比我们那个时代的任何电影明星都要优秀。 that you embody better than any other movie star of our time.
真的。你给我们想要的， Really. You give us what we want,
我们也爱你。 and we love you for it.
所以，今晚，让我们来纪念 And so, tonight, let's honor
好莱坞三名创始人之一。 one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
不是那个获得奥斯卡奖的人 Not the one who won an Oscar
而不是那个成为加州州长的人， and not the one who became the governor of California,
但是，这个人的代理人只是一个外向的信息，他说， but the one whose agent is just an outgoing message that says,
“他会接受的！” "He'll take it!"
沃尔特布鲁斯威利斯！ Walter Bruce Willis!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
接下来，尼基。格拉泽。 Coming up, Nikki Glaser...
我不会搞笑的，但我看起来很性感，这很好。 I-I'm not gonna be funny, but I look hot, so that's fine.
凯文波拉克，西比尔谢泼德， ...Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd,
Lil Rel Howery。 Lil Rel Howery...
别难过，兄弟。 No hard feelings, brother.
爱德华诺顿，玛莎斯图尔特，Dom Irrera， ...Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera,
丹尼斯罗德曼，杰夫罗斯和黛米摩尔， Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross, and Demi Moore,
当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
今晚我们的第一个烘焙师 Our first roaster tonight
是一个肯定需要介绍的人 is someone who definitely needs an introduction --
尼基格拉泽！ Nikki Glaser!
当她没有主持她的热门电台节目时， When she's not hosting her hit radio show,
你可以发现她在四处走动 you can find her blowing around
Toyotathon的外部汽车经销商。 outside car dealerships during Toyotathon.
请欢迎尼基。格拉泽！ Please welcome Nikki Glaser!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
约瑟夫戈登-莱维特，各位！ Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
他是如此可爱，如此可爱。 He's so cute, so adorable.
我打赌你会吃猫咪，但前提是先把它切掉。 I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first.
这不是他的表情吗？ Isn't that his look?
说到暴躁的猫咪， Speaking of crusty pussy,
我马上就来找你，西比尔。 I'll get to you in a second, Cybill.
我，嗯。 I, um...
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我知道。 I know.
玛莎斯图尔特，你来这里的“小腿”。 Martha Stewart, "shank" you for being here.
笑柄。 [ Laughter ] Shank.
说真的，恭喜你 Seriously, and congratulations
把泰国足球队踢出你的阴道。 on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina.
观众叹息，大笑 [ Audience groans, laughter ]
进入你的血汗工厂。 And into your sweatshops.
这就是他们现在的位置。 That's where they are now.
令人惊讶的是，玛莎说监狱的食物并没有那么糟糕。 Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad.
只是，你知道，只要胡子刮得很干净，那么…… Just, you know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so...
她喜欢对细节的关注。 She loves attention to detail.
她在笑吗？ Is she laughing?
我怕她。 I'm terrified of her.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
不，我——说真的，玛莎斯图尔特，我是一个超级粉丝， No, I -- Honestly, Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan,
我妈妈是一个更大的粉丝。 and my mom is an even bigger fan.
我妈妈从玛莎斯图尔特那里学到了很多东西 My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart
关于烹饪，清洁和隐瞒感情，所以。 about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection, so...
它离我的心很近。 It's close to my heart.
凯文波拉克在这里。 Kevin Pollak is here.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
啊，真是个了不起的演员。 Ah, such an amazing actor.
大多数人，我知道凯文是这样的， Most -- Uh, I know Kevin as, like,
他是有史以来最伟大的印象派画家之一。 one of the greatest impressionists of all time.
我是一个超级粉丝。 I'm a huge fan.
我最喜欢他的是，嗯， My favorite of his is, um,
他做了一个了不起的罗宾威廉姆斯。 he does an amazing Robin Williams.
我真希望他能完成。 I-I just wish he would finish it.
观众叹息 [ Audience groans ]
好的，伙计们。 Yeah. Okay, guys.
听着，我要说的是我们已经失去了 Listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost
最近有很多人自杀， a lot of greats to suicide recently,
现在是我们失去一些好天气的时候了。 and it's time we lose some okays.
笑声，呻吟 [ Laughter, groaning ]
Cybill的漂亮。 Cybill's gorgeous.
我很荣幸能见到她，嗯—— I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um --
她的rsumsuma是疯狂的。 and her résumé is insane.
就像，如果你看着它，它就像模型， Like, if you look at it, it's just like model,
演员，歌手。 actor, singer.
你说出来，她就把它给骗了。 You name it, she's fucked it.
笑声，呻吟 [ Laughter, groaning ]
我希望那不是真的。 I wish that wasn't true.
我不认识这些人。 I don't know any of these people.
Cybill。 Cybill...
为什么我在这里？ Why am I here?
呃。 Ugh.
从字面上看，你没有朋友。 Literally, you have, like, no friends.
嗯… Um...
笑声 [ Laughter ]
分享这个舞台真的很酷 It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage
有了这些坏女人—— with these badass women --
赛比尔谢泼德，玛莎斯图尔特，呃，玛格丽特乔。 Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret Cho.
我很抱歉，Dom Irrera。 I'm sorry, Dom Irrera.
我——呃，对不起。 I -- Uh, sorry.
我想那是。 I thought that was...
笑声 [ Laughter ]
Dom Irrer——我知道。 Dom Irrer-- I know.
你这个懒虫。 You sleepy potato.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
多姆，我爱你，但你是怎么中风的 Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke
在你的脸上？ on both sides of your face?
-解释一下。-我不知道。 - Explain that. - I don't know.
我不明白。 I don't get it.
丹尼斯罗德曼，怎么了？ Dennis Rodman, what's up?
丹尼斯罗德曼！ Dennis Rodman!
我第一次见到丹尼斯是在今晚早些时候 I first met Dennis just earlier tonight
当他试图在人行道上卖我熏香时。 when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我不想要，好吗？ I don't want any, okay?
爱德华诺顿在这里。 Edward Norton is here.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
嘿，伙计。 Hey, buddy.
Ed在我看来就像一个木偶变成了一个男孩 Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy
然后那个男孩变成了一个混蛋。 and then that boy became an asshole.
对吧？ Right?
他在搏击俱乐部里太热了，对吧？ He was so hot in "Fight Club," right?
当他还是布拉德皮特的时候。 When he was Brad Pitt.
那真是疯了。 That was nuts.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
现在让我们去找布鲁斯！ Now let's get to Bruce!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
-布鲁斯？-是吗？ - Bruce? - Yes?
这是真实的—— This is honestly a real --
对我来说，这是一个重要的个人时刻 a big personal moment for me to be here
烤我死去的表哥的第二喜欢的动作明星。 roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star.
很明显，我知道你是每一张DVD的明星 I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD
你在街上就能找到。 you kind of just find on the street.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
很明显，你有一个很棒的动作电影事业 Obviously, you had an amazing action-film career
直到杰森斯坦森开始秃顶。 until Jason Statham started balding.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我只是不熟悉动作片，我不知道。 I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know.
我从未见过你的电影中有任何一个是你同意的。 I've never seen a single one of your films consensually.
就像。 Like...
这是一些人的一贯做法 it's always what some guy puts on
当他试图把我指在他室友的沙发上时。 while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch.
你知道我在说什么吗？ Do you know what I'm saying?
也许我不懂"第五元素" Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element,"
不是因为我是个傻女孩， and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl,
但是因为很难遵循这个情节 but because it's hard to follow that plot
当你在打一只鸡的时候 when you're fighting off a roofie
你心里有个关节，你知道吗？ and there's a knuckle inside you, you know?
只是我？ Just me?
哦，我喜欢“第六感”。 Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense," though.
我喜欢——还有结尾，当那个人出现在我的眼睛里 I loved -- And the ending, when the guy came in my eye
我不需要看其他的，那太好了。 and I didn't have to watch the rest of it, that was great.
很多人都不知道 A lot of people don't know
布鲁斯是一个很有天赋的音乐家，因为他不是。 that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯也非常积极地参与了许愿基金会， Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
这就是他们让生病的孩子遇见你的地方 which is where they make sick kids meet you
所以死亡似乎并不可怕。 so dying doesn't seem so terrible.
这太残忍了。 It's so cruel.
布鲁斯，老实说，谢谢你邀请我来这里。 Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for having me here.
你真酷。你真性感。 You're really cool. You're so hot.
这是一个特别的夜晚。 And this is a special night.
很明显，这是一个特别的夜晚。 You really are. It's a special night, obviously.
你的家人——你的女儿们一定很自豪 Your family -- Your daughters must be so proud
他们的父亲，阿什顿库彻。 of their father, Ashton Kutcher.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
非常感谢，晚安。 Thank you very much. Good night.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
-哦，太好了。-谢谢。 - Oh, that's so good. - Thank you.
我拿到了。对不起，谢谢。 I got 'em. Sorry. Thank you.
没有。 No.
感觉很好。 It felt good.
来吧，凯文波拉克。 Coming up, Kevin Pollak...
你要下去了。 You're going down.
还有塞比尔。谢弗德。 ...and Cybill Shepherd.
不，不，不，不，不，不，不。 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
好吧！ All right!
我们的下一个烘焙师是凯文波拉克。 Our next roaster is Kevin Pollak.
欢呼和掌声是。 [ Cheers and applause] Yes.
他的职业生涯——超过150部电影 What a career he's had -- over 150 movies
还有不到12分钟的屏幕时间。 and just under 12 minutes of screen time.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
请欢迎凯文波拉克。 Please welcome Kevin Pollak.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
谢谢你，约瑟夫戈登-莱维特，因为那是一个该死的名字。 Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fuckin' name.
你知道。 You know...
你今晚干得很好，乔伊。 You're doing a great job tonight, Joey.
-你真的。-谢谢你，谢谢你。 - You are, really. - Thank you, thank you.
他真是个行家。 He's such a pro.
难怪你一直在好莱坞工作 It's no wonder you've been working steadily in Hollywood
从你6岁开始。 since you were 6 years old.
当然，当你的父母没有选择的时候，这是有帮助的 'Course, it helps when your parents aren't choosy
关于谁触摸你的尿尿。 about who touches your pee-pee.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
说到丹尼斯罗德曼，我得说…… Speaking of Dennis Rodman, I got to say...
在这里见到你真奇怪。真的是。 It's odd to see you here. It really is.
这很奇怪。 It's just odd.
我的意思是，如果你认识布鲁斯，你知道。 I mean, it's just if you knew Bruce, you know...
他不喜欢黑人。 He's not fond of the blacks.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你看到他不同意了吗？还是他在笑？ Do you see him disagreeing? Or is he laughing?
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你可能会想到像尼基格拉泽这样的名字 You might think with a name like Nikki Glaser
她是犹太人，但她不是犹太人。 that she's Jewish, but she's not.
你可以看出，事实上，犹太人很有趣。 You can tell, actually, because, uh, Jews are funny.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
尼基在自己的节目中说她喜欢肛交。 Nikki said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex --
她的话。 her words.
嘿，对你有好处。 Hey, good for you.
我的意思是，这很有道理，很明显你不吃东西。 I mean, it makes sense. Obviously you don't eat.
所以你最好还是用那个洞做点什么吧？ So you might as well use that hole for something, huh?
笑声 [ Laughter ]
谢谢。 Thank you.
那太好了。 That's so nice.
爱德华诺顿，你，先生，太棒了， Edward Norton, you, sir, are fantastic,
这是我一直以来的最爱之一。 one of my all-time favorites.
老实说，你想知道艾德诺顿有多聪明吗？ Honestly. You want to know how brilliant Ed Norton is?
问他。 Ask him.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
现在，在这个小时的风云人物中，布鲁斯威利斯， And now on to the man of the hour, Bruce Willis,
我认识的人… who I've known...
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
我认识布鲁斯已经有很长时间了。 I've known Bruce for a very, very long time.
我们一起拍了三部电影，其中一部并不可怕。 We've done three films together, one of them not horrible.
我真不明白你为什么同意这么做。 I really don't understand why you agreed to do this.
我的意思是，如果你想被羞辱， I mean, if you wanted to be humiliated, clearly,
我们都知道你可能刚刚发行了另一张专辑。 we both know you could've just released another singing album.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你们有些人可能不知道，因为他买了每一份， Some of you may not know because he bought every copy,
但是布鲁斯在80年代发行了一个R&B唱片。 but Bruce released an R&B LP back in the '80s.
我做了一些调查，想知道这张专辑是谁的主意。 I did some research to find out whose idea this album was.
原来是他的经理。 Turns out it was his manager.
而“他的经理”，我指的是可卡因。 And by "his manager," I mean cocaine.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
只是大量的可乐。 Just a tremendous amount of coke.
比如，一个杰夫的可乐大小的可乐罐。 Like, a Jeff Ross-sized container of coke.
布鲁斯，朋友，你最近做了一些很棒的工作， Bruce, pal, you've done some great work recently,
尤其是你的微妙转折 especially your subtle turn
在韦斯安德森的“月升王国”中。 in Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom."
喜欢那部电影。 Loved that film.
是的。 Yeah.
两个五年级学生坠入爱河的故事。 The story of two fifth-graders falling in love.
布鲁斯会爱上一个五年级的学生 Bruce would've fallen in love with a fifth-grader
如果他在47岁的时候遇到了他现在的妻子。 if he had met his current wife way back when he was 47.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我第一次见到布鲁斯是在我和他的第一任妻子工作的时候， I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife,
黛米摩尔，在电影“几个好男人”中。 Demi Moore, in the film "A Few Good Men."
是的，欢呼和掌声 Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
我想是时候每个人都知道黛米的事了。 I think it's time everyone knew something about Demi.
当她剃了她的头， When she shaved her head,
她说这是为了她在电影“G.I.Jane”中的角色。 she said it was for her role in the film "G.I. Jane."
但事实是，她剃了头 But the truth is, she shaved her head
因为她爱她的丈夫，布鲁斯。 because she loved her husband, Bruce.
他想要自己的脸。 And he wanted to fuck his own face.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
现在，布鲁斯，你的一个朋友和搭档 And now, Bruce, one of your friends and co-stars
今晚的低俗小说不能在这里， from "Pulp Fiction" couldn't be here tonight,
所以他们让我传递一个信息 so they've asked me to pass along a message
克里斯托弗沃尔肯。 from Christopher Walken.
他们把它放在这里，给我。 They've put it up here for me. Here it is.
克里斯托弗沃尔肯，“嘿，布鲁斯。 [ As Christopher Walken ] "Hey, Bruce.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
对不起，我不能参加你的葬礼。 Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral.
我确实想说，我一直都是一个粉丝， I did want to say, I've always been a fan,
尤其是你在电影“12只猴子”中的工作。 particularly your work in the film "12 Monkeys."
当然，我很失望你没有描绘一只猴子。 Sure, I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey.
但是你的表现却很微妙 But you gave a beautifully nuanced performance
让人想起猴子 reminiscent of a monkey
谁在他的手中 who poops in his hands
然后把它扔到你的脸上。 and then throws it in your face.
不过，大多数时候，我想抓住这个机会 Mostly, though, I wanted to take this opportunity
为了公开感谢你创造了我最喜欢的餐厅， to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant,
好莱坞星球。 Planet Hollywood.
哦。 Ooh.
如果我是诚实的，那也是我最喜欢的星球。 If I'm honest, it's also my favorite planet.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
谢谢你，布鲁斯威利斯， Thank you, Bruce Willis,
因为有远见和勇气去问， for having the vision and the courage to ask,
“嘿，谁不想吃40美元的土豆皮呢？” 'Hey, who wouldn't want to eat $40 potato skins
在“比利巴斯特”的帽子旁边的一个小隔间里？ in a booth next to the hat from "Billy Bathgate"?'"
笑声 [ Laughter ]
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
把所有的球都放在一边， [ Normal voice ] All ball-busting aside,
你是我和我的家人的好朋友 you've been a dear pal to me and my family
在很长一段时间里，布鲁斯，我爱你。 for a very long time, Bruce, and I love you.
哦，我爱你，伙计。 Oh, I love you, buddy.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
接下来，赛比尔谢泼德…… Coming up, Cybill Shepherd...
我爱你，我永远都会爱你。 I love you, and I always will.
和Lil Rel Howery。 ...and Lil Rel Howery.
他们想让我说些刻薄的话 They want me to say really mean things
给布鲁斯威利斯，但我不会。 to Bruce Willis, but I won't.
当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
我们的下一个烘焙师是赛比尔谢泼德。 Our next roaster is Cybill Shepherd.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
Cybill是第一个女演员 Cybill has the distinction of being the first actress
讨厌和布鲁斯威利斯一起工作。 to hate working with Bruce Willis.
我刚学了这个，她19岁的时候和猫王约会。 I just learned this. She dated Elvis when she was 19.
去年，她的阴道被引入 And last year, her vagina was inducted
进入摇滚名人堂。 into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
请欢迎Cybill Shepherd！ Please welcome Cybill Shepherd!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
我非常爱你们今晚在这里。 I love you all here tonight so much.
我特别喜欢其中一位才华横溢的演员 And I particularly love one of the most brilliant actors
我认识的最优秀的人，威利斯先生。 and finest men I've ever known, Mr. Willis.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
谢谢你，亲爱的。 Thank you, darling.
这是我的第一次烤肉， This is my first roast,
我不得不说，我很震惊。 and I have to say, I'm shocked.
哇！我今晚在这里听到了一些话 Whew! I've heard words here tonight
我从来没有听过，像“Lil”。 that I have never heard before, like "Lil."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
还有"Rel" And "Rel."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
Lil Rel，我很高兴你来了， Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here,
因为我一直想要道歉 because I've been meaning to apologize
打电话给警察关于你的烧烤。 for calling the police about your barbecue.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯威利斯，我很高兴见到你。 Bruce Willis, I'm so happy to see you.
天啊，我最后一次看到你的脸， Gosh, the last time I saw your face,
我在加油站买电影。 I was shopping for movies at the gas station.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
“月光照明”被认为是第一个“dramedy”—— "Moonlighting" was considered the first "dramedy" --
戏剧和喜剧的混合， a mix of drama and comedy,
这也是一种很好的描述 which is also a good way to describe
布鲁斯的表演风格。 Bruce's acting style.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
当他做喜剧的时候，就像戏剧一样， When he does comedy, it seems like drama,
当他演戏剧的时候，很搞笑。 and when he does drama, it's hilarious.
但好莱坞不会是好莱坞 But Hollywood wouldn't be Hollywood
如果他们不奖励一个人变老。 if they didn't reward a man for aging into mediocrity.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
布鲁斯继续制作了96部电影 Bruce went on to make 96 movies
只使用一个面部表情。 using just one facial expression.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
艾德诺顿，我很高兴见到你。 Ed Norton, I was so excited to meet you.
我仍然认为你应该获得奥斯卡奖 I still think you should have won the Academy Award
在“美国历史x”中扮演一个新纳粹分子。 for playing a Neo-Nazi in "American History X."
是的。 Yes.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
如果你今天拍了那部电影， If you had done that movie today,
你不仅获得了奥斯卡奖， you would not only have gotten an Oscar,
你将在白宫获得内阁职位。 you would get a cabinet position in the White House.
笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
我很高兴今晚能见到玛莎斯图尔特。 I'm thrilled that I got to meet Martha Stewart tonight.
我有幸在两部独立电影中扮演玛莎。 I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies.
我尽了最大努力，但我是唯一一个真正抓住玛莎斯图尔特的人 I did my best, but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart
是联邦调查局。 was the FBI.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
然后是Dom Irrera And then there's Dom Irrera
带着他的经典意大利风韵。 bringing his classic Italian charm.
我见到他两分钟后，他就在我身上。 Two minutes after I met him, he was hittin' on me.
我不得不告诉他，“对不起，上次我做爱的时候 I had to tell him, "Sorry, the last time I had sex
69岁的我18岁。” with a 69-year-old, I was 18."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
他拥有工作室。 And he owned the studio.
他不只是住在一个地方。 He didn't just live in one.
我在女洗手间碰到了尼基。格拉泽。 I ran into Nikki Glaser in the ladies' room.
我从后面看到她，她的苗条的身材和金色的头发， I saw her from behind, with her slender body and blond hair,
我想，“她一定是个模特。” and I thought, "She must be a model."
然后她转过身来，我想， Then she turned around, and I thought,
“不，她是个喜剧演员。” "Nope, she's a comic."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我们在“月光下”的角色并没有太大的延伸。 Our characters on "Moonlighting" weren't much of a stretch.
我以前演过一个模特，我就是。 I played a former model, which I was.
他演了一个混蛋。 And he played an asshole...
他是谁。 which he is.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯和我真的很喜欢对方， Bruce and I were really attracted to each other,
但是熟悉会导致轻视， but familiarity can breed contempt,
所以我们没有采取行动。 so we didn't act on it.
太糟糕了。 Too bad.
因为我们最终会互相憎恨， Because based on how much we ended up hating each other,
性爱是难以置信的。 the sex would've been incredible.
实际上，我们曾经有过一次做爱的机会。 We actually came very close one time to having sex.
然后他把它抽出来，开始玩， But then he whipped it out, started playing with it,
毁了一切。 and ruined everything.
我说的是你的口琴！ I'm talking about your harmonica!
笑声 [ Laughter ]
不幸的是，星星从来没有为我们排列， Sadly, the stars never aligned for us,
这是永远不会发生的一个明显的原因—— and it's never gonna happen now for one obvious reason --
你对我来说太老了。 You are way too old for me.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
当然，我们的关系是不稳定的 Sure, our relationship was volatile
有时是爆炸性的， and sometimes explosive,
但最终，这是成功的完美公式。 but in the end, it was the perfect formula for success.
我知道我们已经30年没谈过了， I know we haven't had a conversation in 30 years,
但我们总会有更重要的东西—— but we'll always have something more important --
残差。 residuals.
晚安，谢谢。 Good night. Thank you.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-我爱你。-谢谢你。 - I love you. - Thank you so much.
戈登-莱维特：好吧。 Gordon-Levitt: All right.
他在“滚出去”中提供了喜剧救济。 He provided the comic relief in "Get Out,"
但别指望今晚会这样。 but don't expect that tonight.
请欢迎Lil Rel。 Please welcome Lil Rel.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
哦，狗屎。我在这里做什么？ Oh, shit. What am I doing here?
我不认识这里的那些老白人。 I don't know any of these old-ass white people up here.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
和“年轻的和不安的”的演员们一起。 Along with the cast of "Young and the Restless."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
笑 [ Laughs ]
布鲁斯，你和其他黑人喜剧演员一起拍过电影。 Bruce, you've done movies with other black comedians.
你为什么要问一个从来没跟你做过屁事的人？ Why did you ask somebody who ain't never did shit with you?
我不明白。 I don't get that.
你和克里斯塔克，特蕾西摩根。 You with Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan.
天哪，这太可悲了。 God damn, this is sad.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我的意思是，你有一个豪华轿车司机“死硬”，阿格尔， I mean, you had a limo driver in "Die Hard," Argyle,
他甚至不在这里，他—— and he's not even here and he --
我不知道他在做什么。 I don't know what the fuck he doin'.
他需要这大便。 He need this shit.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你这里没有菱形，你他妈的怎么了？ You don't got Argyle here. What the fuck?
呃，很有趣的是， Uh, it's funny to see, like,
杰夫罗斯和布鲁斯威利斯在这里。 Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis up here.
你们两个秃头的白人母亲 Y'all two bald white motherfuckers
你看起来很疯狂。 look crazy as fuck.
你们俩看起来都像 Like, both of y'all look like
你处于两个不同的癌症阶段。 you're on two different stages of cancer.
观众叹息 [ Audience groans ]
你们都知道。 Y'all really do.
我很抱歉，你看起来很糟糕。 I'm sorry. Look fucked up.
我们有丹尼斯罗德曼，我不想谈这个， We got Dennis Rodman here, which I don't wanna talk about,
因为这里只有两个兄弟。 'cause there's only two brothers here.
但我尊重丹尼斯罗德曼。 But I respect Dennis Rodman.
我来自芝加哥。你知道我的意思吗？ I'm from Chicago. You know what I mean?
他赢得了公牛三次总冠军。 He won three championship with the Bulls.
群众欢呼 [ Crowd cheering ]
我的意思是，他做了很多关于毒品的事。 I mean, he did a lot of dope shit.
伙计，他又回来了。 Man, he rebounded.
他——他每隔一段时间就会吃三次。 He -- He would take a three every once in a while.
他会踢那个该死的裁判。 He'd kick the fuckin' referee.
他，就像在其他球员身上一样。 He, like, jag off other players.
很多奇怪的东西。 A lot of weird shit.
这个混蛋穿了一件结婚礼服 This motherfucker wore a wedding dress
在一本杂志的封面上。 and was on the cover of a magazine.
那该死的东西从链子上掉下来了。 That shit is fuckin' off the chain.
就是这样，我没有开玩笑。 That's it. I ain't got no jokes.
我刚刚提到他的“他妈的……” I just mentioned his fuckin'...
笑 [ Laughs ]
看，布鲁斯威利斯是一个传奇人物，伙计。 Look, Bruce Willis is a fuckin' legend, man.
你知道，你有一句名言：“yip尿ki-yay，混蛋，” You know, you had a famous line, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker,"
我认为这是最伟大的标签之一 which I think is one of the greatest tag lines
在电影的历史中。 in movie fuckin' history.
确实如此。 It really is.
这就是为什么他给我的时候我很开心 Which is why, like, I was happy when he gave me
“T-S-motherfuckin'a。” "T-S-motherfuckin'-A."
那该死的东西是你说的， That shit was motivated from you for saying,
“我的小丫头，妈的。” "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker."
是的，确实如此。 Yeah, and it was.
我只想说，伙计——我是你的超级粉丝。 I want to just say this, man -- I'm a big fan of you.
我希望有一天我们能拍一部电影。 I hope we do a movie someday.
我的意思是，我知道你在寻找——我的意思是，让我们看看。 I mean, I know you lookin' for -- I mean, let's see.
1 2 3，你还得和另一个黑人做一个。 1, 2, 3. You got to do one more with another black dude.
让它成为我。 Let it be me.
你已经有克里斯塔克了。 You already had Chris Tucker.
你是特蕾西摩根，阿格尔，卡尔温斯洛。 You did Tracy Morgan, Argyle, Carl Winslow.
我不知道谁是真正的名字， I don't know nobody real names,
只知道他们的名字和狗屎。 only know their character names and shit.
笑 [ Laughs ]
嘿，看，我们得停止这些“死硬”，兄弟。 Hey, look, we got to stop with these "Die Hards," bro.
就像，这种狗屎变得很奇怪。 Like, this shit is getting fuckin' weird.
我很困惑你到底是哪一个孩子。 It is. I'm confused about which kid you got.
比如，女儿在一处失踪， Like, the daughter be missing in one,
然后儿子就不见了。 and then the son be missing in one.
我们从来没见过你的孩子们在一起。 We never see your kids to-fuckin'-gether.
老实说，你应该把你的名字改成约翰麦克莱恩。 Honestly, you should change your name to John McClane.
你知道我的意思吗？我很困惑。 You know what I mean? Like, I'm fuckin' confused.
你有多少个孩子？ How many fuckin' kids you got?
看，这就是我的建议。 So look, this is what I suggest.
下一个“死硬”，你让我进去。 Next "Die Hard," you put me in it.
我来扮演你的儿子，好吗？ I'll play your son, all right?
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你从非洲收养我。 You adopted me from Africa.
我真的是在推销这种东西，希望你们都能听进去。 I'm really pitching this shit. I hope y'all listenin'.
这里有代理。 There's agents in here.
你从非洲收养我， You adopt me from Africa,
我们去了芝加哥的西边，对， and we go to the West Side of Chicago, right,
我们一起打击犯罪。 and we fight crime together.
你误打我， And you shoot me by mistake,
这就开始了整个“死硬”的专营权。 and that starts the whole "Die Hard" franchise.
我们再也不用看那该死的东西了， We'll never have to see that shit again,
因为约翰麦克莱恩在监狱 'cause John McClane is in jail
因为他射杀了一个无辜的黑人。 for shooting an innocent black man that he adopted.
笑 [ Laughs ]
但说真的，布鲁斯威利斯，谢谢你邀请我，伙计。 But seriously, Bruce Willis, thank you for having me, man.
你是——我不知道。 You are so -- I don't know.
你喜欢——我不想给你打电话—— You like -- I don't want to call you, like --
就像，我的偶像，但你有点像，兄弟。 like, my idol, but you kind of are, brother.
比如，你拍了一些电影 Like, you made some movies that --
这让我们所有人都想去看电影和狗屎。 that made all of us want to be in movies and shit.
非常感谢你邀请我，伙计。 So thank you so much for having me, man.
我为你感到骄傲，伙计。 I'm proud of you, man.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
上来吧，玛莎斯图尔特。 Coming up, Martha Stewart...
万岁。 Hurray.
爱德华诺顿。 ...Edward Norton.
布鲁斯，你知道我知道很多事情 Bruce, you know that I know a lot of things
你不想让我知道。 that you don't want me to know.
当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
好吧！ All right!
我是我们下一个烘焙师的超级粉丝。 I am a huge fan of our next roaster.
爱德华诺顿，女士们，先生们。 Edward Norton, ladies and gentlemen.
欢呼和掌声是。 [ Cheers and applause ] Yes.
他在电影"原始恐惧"中非常出色 He's fantastic in movies like "Primal Fear,"
“搏击俱乐部”，“鸟人” "Fight Club," "Birdman,"
谁能忘记爱德华诺顿 and who could forget Edward Norton
像绿巨人一样？ as the Incredible Hulk?
复仇者联盟，那是谁。 "The Avengers" franchise, that's who.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
好吧，让我们给爱德华诺顿一个掌声。 Well, let's give Edward Norton a round of applause.
我知道马克鲁法洛每天晚上都在做。 I know Mark Ruffalo does every night.
请欢迎爱德华诺顿。 Please welcome Edward Norton.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
谢谢。 Thank you.
布鲁斯，呃，在这里为你在喜剧中心的演出 Bruce, uh, slumming it here on your behalf at Comedy Central
我不会为很多人做的事。 is, um, not something I would do for many people.
但是，嗯，我欠你一个大的， But, um, I owe you big,
你知道我在说什么， and you know what I'm talking about,
但我想说的是，这让我们完全平方。 but I would say this puts us totally square.
事实上，我想今晚之后可能会回到你的身边，是吗？ In fact, I think probably it's back on you after tonight, yeah?
好的。 Okay.
很高兴来到这里 It is, uh, a pleasure to be here
把叉子插在我的朋友布鲁斯威利斯。 to stick a fork in my pal Bruce Willis.
嗯，我不是—— Um, I'm not really a --
比如，像杰夫罗斯这样的小众喜剧演员， like, a niche takedown comic like Jeff Ross or --
或者像约瑟夫戈登-莱维特那样的三名字的成功，但是…… or a three-name suck-up like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but...
我在这里做一些我认为可能只有我能做的事情 I'm here to do something I think maybe only I can do
作为一个以性格分析为职业的人。 as someone who has made a career out of character analysis.
我在这里做一个深入的解剖 I am here to do a deep dissection
来自新泽西的酒保 of how the fucking bartender from New Jersey
成为了一个全球电影明星的大标题。 became such a big titty of a global movie star.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
因为我觉得，如果我没有分散自己的注意力 Because I feel -- I feel if I had not distracted myself
痴迷于德尼罗和霍夫曼这样的人 with obsession on the likes of De Niro and Hoffman
还有丹尼尔戴-刘易斯。 and Daniel Day-Lewis...
事情可能会有很大的不同。 ...things might have been very different.
我现在要意识到，在中年， I'm now coming to realize in middle age, um,
如果我破解了你是如何成为电影明星的秘密， if I had cracked the mystery of how you became a movie star,
也许还有时间让我变得更像你。 then maybe there still might be time for me to be more like you.
我的意思是，如果我最终安定下来 I mean, if I -- if I end up settling
获得三项奥斯卡奖提名和—— for three Academy Award nods and the --
观众和评论家的尊重 the respect of audiences and critics
而我的同事们，我将—— and my peers globally, I'll -- I'll --
我会找到一种快乐的方式。 I'll find a way to be happy about it.
但它的冷酷事实—— But the cold truth of it --
这个冷酷的事实是，好的评论 the cold truth of it is that good reviews
在纽约客和奥斯卡提名中—— in The New Yorker and Oscar nominations that --
你输给了他 that you lose to the fucking
农民保险推销员J.K.西蒙斯。 Farmer's Insurance pitchman J.K. Simmons...
笑声 [ Laughter ]
他们没有——那些东西很好， They don't -- Those things are great,
但是他们不会给你买半个爱达荷州的，是吗？ but they don't buy you half of fucking Idaho, do they?
不，他们没有。 No, they do not.
他们没有。 They do not.
并不是我嫉妒，而是，耶稣， It's not that I'm jealous, but, Jesus,
你把一切都带走了。 you get away with everything.
我的意思是，我能竖起我的眼睛说一些神秘的东西 I mean, can I cock my eye and say some cryptic shit
这个房间里没有一个人能理解 that literally not one person in the room understands
大家都笑了吗？ and have everyone laugh their asses off?
我不能。 I cannot.
你认为我是——你认为我—— You think I'm -- You think I'm --
你在笑，因为你以为我在开一个玩笑。 You're laughing 'cause you think I'm making a joke.
我和布鲁斯坐在酒吧里 I was sitting in a bar with Bruce
我问他是否喜欢我给他的剧本， and I asked him if he liked the script I'd sent him,
他说，“试着维持婚姻 and he says, "Try keeping a marriage together
当22还在菜单上的时候。” when 22 is still on the menu."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这是什么意思？ What the fuck does that mean?
我的意思是，我知道这是什么意思，但为什么要这么说呢？ I mean, I know what it means, but why say it to that?
我…… I...
但是我从我的酒吧里笑了出来。 But I fell off my barstool laughing.
我不知道为什么。 I had no idea why.
我仍然不知道他对剧本的看法， I still don't know what he thought of the script,
我们已经完成了电影的制作。 and we're done making the movie.
我想他没读过。 I don't think he's read it.
我能表现得那么怪异，让人们爱我吗？ Can I act that weird and have people love me?
我不能。 I cannot.
我能不能说， Can I -- Can I say things like,
“metoo运动正在破坏自然的性动态，” "The #MeToo movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics,"
当我戴着一顶“让美国再次伟大”的帽子时 while I'm wearing a "Make American Great Again" hat
然后去炸掉一架墨西哥的直升机 and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras
装扮成中东恐怖分子， dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists,
把它叫做两家， call that a twofer,
仍然有一群自由的好莱坞高管 and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood executives
第二天早上打电话给我的经纪人 call my agent the next morning
说他们想加入爱德华诺顿公司？ and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business?
我绝对不能。 I most definitely cannot.
我希望我像你一样是特弗隆，但是，再一次， I wish I was Teflon like you, but, then again,
我确实喜欢我的孩子们不为我感到尴尬。 I do like my kids not being embarrassed by me.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
但是说真的，我能不能离开一部电影 But seriously, could I ever leave a movie set
在我的特写镜头结束后 after my close-ups are done
让我的每一个合作伙伴离开 and leave every one of my co-stars
在过去的30年里 for the last 30 years to act their scenes
看着一个带着红色“X”的c形支架， looking at a C-stand with a red "X" taped to it,
听着这位60岁的脚本女孩 listening to the 60-year-old script girl
读约翰麦克莱恩的台词 reading the John McClane lines to them
还有像昆汀塔伦蒂诺这样的导演给我打电话吗？ and still have directors like Quentin Tarantino call me?
不，我他妈的把我的屁股给干了。昆汀从来不给我打电话。 No, I act my fucking ass off. Quentin never calls me.
你知道我不会为这个机会付出什么 You know what I wouldn't give for the opportunity
为了告诉那个混蛋， to tell that prick,
"今晚我要重写这篇文章" "I'm gonna rewrite this piece of shit tonight."
顺便说一下，当韦斯安德森给他打电话的时候—— By the way -- By the way, when Wes Anderson calls him --
他和我一起做“月升王国”，这是真的。 He and I do "Moonrise Kingdom" together, and this is true.
所有的演员都呆在一个小房子里。 Everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together.
我们做了自己的服装和化妆。 We did our own costumes and makeup.
我们自己做了头发， We did our own hair,
我们一起开了一辆小货车来省钱， and we went to set in a van together to save money,
即使是比尔默里，也不是布鲁斯福克的威利斯。 even Bill Murray, but not Bruce fuckin' Willis.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
他像老板一样，在隔壁租了卡内基大厦。 He rented the Carnegie Mansion next door like a boss.
当韦斯说，“你认为布鲁斯明白吗？” When Wes said, "Do you think Bruce understands
我真的希望它是这样的 that I really want this to be like
一个剧团的剧团？” a-a repertory theater troupe?"
我说，“闭嘴，你这个长毛的小猫咪。” I said, "Shut the fuck up, you long-haired pussy.
那是一个他妈的电影明星。” That's a fuckin' movie star."
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
这是不公平的，这是不公平的。 It's not fair. It's not fair.
我得到了称赞，但我—— I got acclaim, but I --
我不能像他那样拉大牌明星的力量，说， I can't pull big-cock movie-star power moves like him and say,
“去他妈的售票处，去他妈的流媒体服务。” "Fuck the box office and fuck streaming services.
除非他们直接去看DVD，否则我不会再拍电影了。” I'm not making any more movies unless they go straight to DVD."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
把它放在上面，比如说，五年之后？ And keep that up for, like, what, five years now?
不可能，如果我把它拉出来，我的屁股就会在寒冷的天气里， No way. If I pulled that, my ass would be out in the cold,
他们会称约瑟夫为“三个名字”莱维特 and they'd be calling Joseph "Three Name" Levitt
“搏击俱乐部2”。 for "Fight Club 2."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我不能做"哈德逊鹰"然后再继续工作 I couldn't make "Hudson Hawk" and literally work ever again
只在一天之内。 for a single day.
从来没有。没有人能活下来。 Never. No one else would've survived that.
你成功了。 You thrived.
为什么？为什么？为什么？ Why is this? Why? Why?
我们必须弄清楚。 We have to figure it out.
这是你的训练吗？不是。 Was it your training? No.
你没有去参加糖果表演课的训练课。 You didn't go to candy-ass acting class for training.
你做了成堆的可卡因和小酒吧 You did mounds of cocaine and tended bar
和你的男芭蕾舞演员史蒂夫。Eads和… with your male ballerina pal Steve Eads and...
观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ]
我的意思是，不管怎样，表演学校有什么好处，你知道吗？ I mean, what -- what good is acting school, anyway, you know?
我的意思是。 I mean...
我想也许是你的名字。 I think maybe -- maybe it's your name.
布鲁斯威利斯，砰的一声。 Bruce Willis. It pops.
它只是一个动作英雄。 It's just an action hero.
我的仍然让人们想起艾迪墨菲 Mine still makes people think of Eddie Murphy
对卡尼进行了多处性的描述。 sodomizing Art Carney.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我不知道，也许是——我试着挑战自己。 I don't know. Maybe it's -- I try to challenge myself.
我寻找的是那些能让我变得更有弹性的角色， I look for roles that stretch me and are different,
而你的表现却始终如一。 whereas you deliver consistently the same performance.
我的意思是，就像，每一次都是一样的。 And I mean, like, the same one every fucking time.
也许是剧本。 Maybe it's the script.
我必须把你们的关系和剧本联系起来。 I have to adopt your relationship to the script.
我试着像你一样。 I tried to be like you.
我拍了一部叫做"无敌浩克"的大动作电影。 I did a big action movie called "The Incredible Hulk."
你知道哪里出错了吗？我想要一个更好的剧本。 You know what went wrong? I wanted a better script.
我想也许我们应该试着制作一部漫威电影 I thought maybe we should try to make one Marvel movie
这至少和最糟糕的克里斯诺兰的电影一样好， that was at least as good as the worst Chris Nolan movie,
但我到底在想什么呢？ but what the hell was I thinking?
布鲁斯威利斯最不希望看到的是一个更好的剧本。 The last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script.
我真是个白痴。 I'm such an idiot.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
他的前三部电影的剧本都是在你的额头上画的， The script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead,
说简短的，令人难忘的妙语，不超过四个字， say short, memorable quip, no more than four words,
开枪，鸭子，重复，最后。 shoot the gun, duck, repeat, the end.
它有半页长。 It's a half a page long.
在去片场的路上，你可以在车里学到你的台词。 You could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set.
你没有，但你可以。 You don't, but you could.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
他没有时间排队。 He doesn't have time for lines.
他得把事情搞砸了。 He has to blow shit up.
我真笨。 I'm so stupid.
我所有的决定都是错的。 All my decisions have been wrong.
我必须开始使用脚本 I have to start going for scripts
那是又短又蠢的， that are short and dumb,
充满了咕哝声，很容易被称为波斯尼亚市场。 full of grunts, easily dubbed for the Bosnian market.
然后我就可以得到一个，一个加勒比海岛屿， And then I could get a G-5, a Caribbean island,
七个女儿，三个不同的女人—— seven daughters by three different women --
我知道的。 that I know of.
但在一天结束的时候，我开始思考，实际上， At the end of the day, though, I've come to think, actually,
这可能只是你的脑袋—— it might just be all about your head --
你那令人难以置信的光头。 your incredible bald head.
坦白地说，我—— And, frankly, I --
我认为这是因为它很像 I think it's 'cause it closely resembles
一只漂亮的公鸡。 a nicely shaped cock.
看着它，看着它。 It's -- Look at it. Look at it.
向侧面转。 Turn sideways.
看看它。 Look at it.
就像一个形状优美的阴茎，没有人能停止看它。 And like a nicely shaped penis, nobody can stop looking at it.
这对男人和女人都是完全催眠的。 It's totally hypnotic to men and women alike.
你——你有一个完美的双脑袋。 You -- You have a perfect dick-head.
而且，男人和女人都对它很满意。 And, uh, men and women are both comfortable with it.
他们认为这很有趣，有点吓人，有点性感。 They think it's funny, a little scary, a little sexy.
这是一件很罕见的事。 Just that is a rare thing.
这是一件很罕见的事，我知道，因为我试图模仿你 It's a rare thing, and I know, because I tried to emulate you
在“美国历史x”中。 in "American History X."
我剃了我的头，我表现得像个种族歧视者。 I shaved my head. I acted like a racist asshole.
而且，嗯，这可能是最接近的演员了 And, um, it's probably the closest any actor
在电影中出现了， has actually come to being you in a film,
我获得了最佳男演员提名。 and I got nominated for Best Actor.
但是，电影赚的钱比你赚的少 But -- But the movie made less money than you made
在“没有人的傻瓜”的第一个周末。 on the opening weekend of "Nobody's Fool."
就像。 It's like...
你要和保罗纽曼合作， You got to work with Paul Newman,
我得到的只是我的光头海报 and all I got was my skinhead poster
在圣塔莫尼卡大街同性恋俱乐部的洗手间里。 in the bathrooms of the gay clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我不知道，我想我必须接受它。 I don't know. I think I have to accept it.
我想我必须接受我永远不会 I think I have to accept I will never be
你是全球的白痴。 the global dickhead powerhouse that you are.
不管我有多好，不管我有多忠诚， No matter how good I am, no matter how committed,
无论多么专业， no matter how professional,
所有这些都让我远离了你的明星标准。 all those things take me further from your standard of stardom.
没有人喜欢你，该死的。 There is nobody else like you, damn it.
没有人。嗯，开玩笑。 Nobody. Um, joking aside...
我多年前在纽约做过一场戏剧， I was doing a play many years ago in New York,
在演出结束后的一个晚上，我回家了。 and, um, I came home one night after the show.
在我的公寓大楼里有一封信 And there was a letter in my apartment building
来自四季酒店。 from the Four Seasons Hotel.
我读了它，它是最深思熟虑的， And I read it, and it was one of the most thoughtful,
我在这整出戏中得到了清晰的字母。 articulate letters I got about this whole play.
它的署名是“布鲁斯威利斯”。 And it was signed "Bruce Willis."
我立刻打电话给我的朋友斯图尔特说， And I immediately called my friend Stewart and said,
“去你妈的，这是一场胜利。” "Fuck you. It's a wind-up."
他说，“我不知道你在说什么。 And, uh, he said, "I don't know what you're talking about.
所以，我打电话给布鲁斯。 So, I called Bruce.
我说，“你真的给我写这封信了吗？” I said, "Did you really write me this letter?"
他说，“是的。” He said, "Yeah."
所以我们喝了啤酒，他说，本质上， So we had a beer, and, um, he says, essentially,
“你在做我想做的工作， "You're doing the kind of work I want to be a part of,
不管你在做什么，如果你能让我参与其中， and whatever you're doing, if you can put me in the mix,
我在看不见的地方。” I'm in, sight unseen."
嗯，我不认为那是真的。 And, um, I didn't think that would really stick.
很多年后， And many years later,
当我想拍一部我自己的电影，真正的激情项目—— when I wanted to make my own film, real passion project --
要完成这些事情是很困难的—— it's hard to get those things done --
他是我第一个打电话的人。 he was the first person I called.
他说，“我告诉过你，如果你需要我，我就在里面。” And he said, "I told ya, if you ever need me, I'm in."
呃，我们一起拍了这部电影 And, uh, we just made this movie together
度过了一段美好的时光。 and had a beautiful time.
我也不会把它和你做的。 And I wouldn't have gotten it made with you.
我对此深表感激。 Uh, and I'm really deeply grateful for that.
嗯，我爱你。 Um, I love you.
或者我是一个很好的演员 Or maybe I'm very a good actor
当我这么说的时候，我就是在演戏。 and I'm just acting when I say that.
你会。 You would...
笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
耶！ Yeah!
嗯… Um...
你不知道其中的区别， You wouldn't know the difference,
这就是我爱你的原因。 and that's the reason I love you.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
哦，伙计。 Oh, buddy.
-谢谢。-谢谢。 - Thank you. - Thank you.
谢谢。 Thank you.
太棒了。 Fantastic.
上来吧，玛莎斯图尔特。 Coming up, Martha Stewart...
我决定到这里来，重新点燃我们的友谊。 I decided to come out here and rekindle our friendship.
和Dom Irrera， ...and Dom Irrera,
当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
好吧！ All right!
抱歉，我不得不说， Sorry, I just have to say,
这是最酷的事情之一 that was one of the coolest things
这在最近的电视节目中已经出现了。 that has to have happened on TV recently.
那真是太神奇了。 That was -- That was amazing.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
好的。 Okay.
我们的下一位烘焙师是玛莎斯图尔特。 Our next roaster is Martha Stewart.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
玛莎以她的方式完成了大学学业， Martha worked her way through college as a model,
为香烟广告和米开朗基罗摆姿势。 posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
她是最受指控的女主人。 She's the hostess with the most-est indictments.
但她的前科记录有800条记录。 But her rap sheet has an 800-thread count.
我是玛莎斯图尔特，女士们，先生们。 It's Martha Stewart, ladies and gentlemen.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
模糊拉平 [ Indistinct rapping ]
♪♪
哇，多么美好的夜晚啊。 Wow. What a night. Ha.
谢谢你，约瑟夫。 Thank you, Joseph.
我知道一些关于举办派对的事情， I know something about hosting parties,
所以我想祝贺你今晚成为了完美的东道主。 so I want to congratulate you on being the perfect host tonight.
你把桌子摆好，在背景中褪了色， You set the table, faded into the background,
让那些有趣的人发光。 and let the interesting people shine.
-太棒了-谢谢。 - Bravo. - Thank you.
谢谢。 Thank you.
真是个大问题。 What a dais.
丹尼斯罗德曼，我从哪里开始？ Dennis Rodman, where do I begin?
如果你在90年代告诉我丹尼斯罗德曼 If you had told me back in the '90s that Dennis Rodman
将在2018年就一项核武器协议进行谈判， would be negotiating a nuclear-arms agreement in 2018,
我可能会说，“丹尼斯罗德曼在2018年还活着？” I would've said, "Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?"
笑声 [ Laughter ]
当地喜剧演员Dom Irrera在这里。 Local comedian Dom Irrera is here.
多姆，我知道你的职业生涯从来没有真正起飞过， Dom, I know your career never really took off,
但是如果你继续做你一直在做的事情， but if you just keep doing what you've been doing,
我相信你最终会被发现的 I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered
在你心脏病发作两周后由你的房东。 by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
爱德华诺顿，我是一个超级粉丝。 And, Edward Norton, I am a huge fan.
你真了不起。 You are amazing.
爱德华非常认真地对待这件事。 Edward takes the craft of acting very seriously.
他准备扮演无敌浩克 He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk
他花了30年的时间来发脾气 by spending 30 years losing his temper
变成了一个巨大的混蛋。 and turning into a giant asshole.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
Nikki Glaser，你拥有一切—— Nikki Glaser, you have it all --
专业色情明星的名字 the name of a professional porn star
以及一个业余色情明星的身体。 and the body of an amateur porn star.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你知道，我是metoo运动的支持者， You know, I'm a big supporter of the #MeToo movement,
但是记住，尼基， but remember, Nikki,
"我也是"不应该仅仅是一个人对他的朋友说的话 "me too" shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend
当他告诉他他和尼基。格拉泽做爱时。 when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser.
注意到。 Noted.
今晚这里有这么多名人。 Well, there are so many celebrities here tonight.
我们有电影里的男人，电视里的女人，还有里尔， We have men from movies, women from TV, and Lil Rel from,
我猜是加州葡萄干？ I'm guessing, the California Raisins?
笑声 [ Laughter ]
哦，现在，可爱的赛比尔谢泼德就在这里。 Oh, and, now, the lovely Cybill Shepherd is here.
我记得几年前， I remember years ago,
当我听说要去看电影的时候——一部电视电影—— when I heard there was going to be a movie -- a TV movie --
关于我，我想，“哦，上帝，不，” about me, I thought, "Oh, God, no,"
因为它们总是那么可怕。 because they're always so dreadful.
我真的很紧张。 I was really nervous.
好吧，你可以想象我的解脱 Well, you can imagine my relief
当我发现西比尔谢泼德要和我玩的时候。 when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me.
我想，“赛比尔谢泼德？太好了。 I thought, "Cybill Shepherd? Great.
没有人会看到它。” No one will see it."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
现在，Cybill，你的职业生涯是不是很有趣 Now, Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career
在这个角色之后， basically ended after that role,
就好像你冒犯了某人，一个有权力的人， as if you'd offended someone, someone with power,
一个拥有大量资源和金钱的人。 someone with vast resources and money.
谁能制定出这样的计划？ Who could cook up such a plan?
谁能制定这样的计划？ Who could craft such a scheme?
是我，婊子。 It was me, bitch.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
哦，嗨，布鲁斯。 Oh, hi, Bruce.
我非常尊敬我们的荣誉， I have great respect for our honoree,
布鲁斯威利斯，我们的烤鱼， Bruce Willis, our roastee,
可能是因为我从没见过 probably because I've never seen
所有人都在谈论的电影。 any of the movies everybody's talking about.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
不像今晚在座的各位， Unlike everyone here tonight,
我个人非常欣赏布鲁斯的音乐。 I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music.
我在派对上玩的时候迟到了 I play it at all my parties when it's late
我希望每个人都能立即离开。 and I want everyone to leave immediately.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯和我实际上是邻居。 Bruce and I are actually neighbors.
我们在同一个城镇，德福德。 We're in the same town, Bedford.
他有一所漂亮的房子。 He has a wonderful house.
室内设计令人惊叹。 The interior design is amazing.
他希望里面的一切看起来都是中世纪的现代风格， He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern,
除了他的新婚妻子。 except his new wife.
我记得布鲁斯邀请我参加他们的婚礼。 I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding.
他亲手送来了请柬， He hand-delivered the invitation,
我告诉他，“我要抓住下一个。” and I told him, "I'll catch the next one."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
但是除了所有的笑话，布鲁斯，我不得不说， But all jokes aside, Bruce, I have to say that,
尽管今晚大家都说了你， despite what everyone else has said about you tonight,
我认为你是一个好邻居，一个伟大的演员， I think you are a good neighbor, a great actor,
还有一个非常非常结实的家伙。 and a very, very solid fuck buddy.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
明天见。晚安。 See you tomorrow. Good night.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
哦，亲爱的，谢谢你。谢谢你的到来。 Oh, darling, thank you. Thanks for coming.
-玛莎斯图尔特杀了它。-嗨，伙计们。 - Martha Stewart killed it. - Hi, guys.
接下来，Dom Irrera和Dennis罗德曼。 Coming up, Dom Irrera and Dennis Rodman.
布鲁斯，我来找你，宝贝。我来找你。 Bruce, I'm coming for ya, baby. I'm coming for ya.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
我们的下一位演讲者是真正的出汗，Dom Irrera。 Our next presenter is truly perspiring, Dom Irrera.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
Dom太老了，他不会让我的。 Dom is so old, he's not gonna get #MeToo'ed.
他也会得到的。 He's gonna get #YeToo'ed.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
请欢迎Dom Irrera。 Please welcome Dom Irrera.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
哇。 Wow.
我从没想过我会在周六晚上思考， I never thought I'd be spending a Saturday night thinking,
“妈的，我希望我能跟玛莎斯图尔特一样。” "Fuck, I hope I can follow Martha Stewart."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这是一个很好的听证会 And it was really good hearing Ed Norton
谈论他自己。 talk about himself so much.
我从来没见过有人烤过别人 I've never seen anybody roast somebody else
用那种真诚来谈论他们自己。 and talk about themselves with that kind of sincerity.
他真是个傲慢的混蛋。 What an arrogant motherfucker he is.
耶稣基督。 Jesus Christ.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我真想把他揍一顿。 I'd like to beat the fuck out of him.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这个瘦小的小混蛋，我在大厅里遇见了他。 This skinny little prick, I met him in the hall.
他把我吹走了。 He fuckin' blew me off.
我从来都不喜欢你的工作，我从来都不喜欢你。 I never liked your work. I never liked you.
我要告诉你，很荣幸见到你。 And I got to tell you, it's an honor to meet you.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
伙计。 Man.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
凯文波拉克——我爱凯文波拉克。 Kevin Pollak -- I love Kevin Pollak.
你真了不起。 You are amazing.
女士们，想想看。 Ladies, think about it.
如果你是凯文的妻子，你可以去 If you were Kevin's wife, you could fuck
每晚都有不同的名人 a different celebrity every night
他一边看着，一边猛打。 while he watches and jerks off.
想象一下这个小小的，可怜的小池 Just picture that little, pathetic, little pool of jizz
他的犹太胃。 on his Jewish stomach.
最后我不能说“犹太人”没有“私生子”。 I can't say "Jew" without "bastard" at the end.
在这个镇上，我要杀了我。 It's killing me in this town.
我在这里杀了我。 It's fuckin' killing me over here.
爱德华诺顿，艾德，嘿，你拍了一部叫做“原始恐惧”的电影。 Edward Norton, Ed, hey, you did a movie called "Primal Fear."
它是以他的感觉命名的 It was named after the feeling he got
每次他在没有安全套的情况下把考特尼的爱打得很好。 every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom.
这是一个真实的故事，女士们，先生们。 It's a true story, ladies and gentlemen.
这个东西在上面吗？这是on吗？ It this thing on? Is this on?
实际上，他和考特妮爱， Actually, he dated Courtney Love,
但是他从来没有出名过 but he never became famous enough
让她把他杀了。 for her to have him murdered.
观众叹息 [ Audience groans ]
Cybill Shepherd，首先是Cybill， Cybill Shepherd, first of all, Cybill,
你在这里做得很好。 you did great coming up here.
你他妈的—— You fuckin' --
你的演技——我是认真的。 Your acting abil-- I'm serious.
很荣幸认识你。 And it's an honor to meet you.
在她的第一部电影，最后的图片展中， In her first film, "Last Picture Show,"
西比尔和那颗星发生了性关系， Cybill had sex with the star,
导演，制片人和编剧。 the director, the producer, and the writer.
今天，我们称之为“我四人”。 Today, we call that a "Me Four."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
杰夫罗斯，很高兴见到你。 Jeff Ross, good to see you.
我在开玩笑。 I'm kidding.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
看看你的脸。 Look at your face.
什么样的上帝会让这种事情发生？ What kind of God would let that happen?
杰夫刚买了一栋新房子 Jeff just bought a new house
并配备了三个私人厨师。 and staffed it with three personal chefs.
前两名死于疲惫。 First two died of exhaustion.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
Lil Rel——我整晚都坐在Lil Rel旁边。 Lil Rel -- I've been sitting next to Lil Rel all night.
我很高兴认识了这个人。 I'm glad I met this guy.
这个人终于得到了他应得的认可。 This guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves.
昨天，他走进一家星巴克， Yesterday, he walked into a Starbucks,
经理喊道：“滚出去。” and the manager yelled, "Get Out."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我有一百万个！ I got a million of them!
好吧，好吧。 All right, okay, okay.
这就是我和我所认识的人一起烘焙的东西，我不知道。 That's it with me roasting the people I know and don't know.
现在我要谈谈你。 Now I got to talk about you.
恭喜你，伙计， Congratulations on the roast, man,
喜剧中心只会让最优秀的人，比如你， and Comedy Central roasts only the best people, like you,
唐纳德特朗普，那个来自“Baywatch”的家伙。 Donald Trump, that guy from "Baywatch."
布鲁斯，我现在看到你了，我看到你美丽的女儿们， Bruce, I see you now, and I see your beautiful daughters,
我为你感到骄傲。 and I'm so proud of you.
我为你感到骄傲，我记得我们什么都没有。 I'm so proud of you. I remember when we had nothing.
我们会一起去你家洗个澡， And we would go to your house and take a bath together,
我们会——我们彼此相爱。 and we would -- we loved each other.
我们会互相洗对方的衣服， We would wash each other's taints,
我总是确保你的污点很紧 and I always made sure that your taint was taut
在你出去之前。 before you went out.
布鲁斯甚至都不是他家里最好的演员。 Bruce wasn't even the best actor in his house.
黛米摩尔是。 Demi Moore was.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
你知道，这很有趣。 You know, and it's funny.
我看见你，我看见你和你的女儿们， I see you, and I see you with your daughters,
我看到了爱，他们是如此美丽的女孩， and I see the love, and they're such beautiful girls,
我想到你永远不会听到父亲的声音 and I think about how you never hear a father
吹嘘他女儿的性能力。 brag about his daughter's sexual prowess.
你知道，他们总是吹嘘说：“我儿子是一块钱。 You know, they always brag about, "My son's a buck.
他是个大帅哥。 He's a stud.
大学一年级的时候，他把每个人都钉在了一起。 Freshman year of college, he nailed everybody.
男孩，女孩，狗，他都不给。” Boys, girls, dogs, he didn't give a fuck."
你听过一个父亲吹嘘他的女儿吗？ You ever hear a father brag about his daughter?
“你听到了吗？听着。” "You hear that up there? Listen to that.
那是我女儿和10个男人在一起。 That's my daughter taking on 10 guys.
是的，那是我的孩子。那是我们最小的。 Yeah, that's my baby. That's our youngest.
她总是喜欢公鸡。越大越好。 She always loved cock. The bigger, the better.
她总是让男人在街区周围排起队来。 She always had men lined up around the block.
男人们把她从后面拉了出来， Guys tag-teaming her from behind,
她的后背上满是高腰， high-fiving over her jizz-filled back,
在她的耳朵里滴下一大堆东西。 dropping loads in her ears.
她听不见。 She couldn't hear them.
我能告诉你什么？ What can I tell you, huh?
她就像她的母亲，那个孩子。” She's just like her mother, that kid."
谢谢，我爱你。 Thank you. I love you.
-我应该多做点什么吗？-哦，天哪。 - Should I do more? - Oh, my God.
不，你在杀我。 No, you're killing me.
-谢谢你。我爱你。-我也爱你。 - Thank you. I love you. - I love you, too.
哦，天哪。 Oh, my God.
接下来，杰夫罗斯，丹尼斯罗德曼…… Coming up, Jeff Ross, Dennis Rodman...
小金要你签个字。 Little Kim wants you to sign something.
我以为李金有大的山雀和黑色的。 I thought Lil' Kim had big tits and black.
还有黛米摩尔的特别亮相。 ...and a special appearance by Demi Moore.
惊喜！ Surprise!
当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
好了，我们的下一个烘焙师是丹尼斯罗德曼。 All right, our next roaster is Dennis Rodman.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
他们称他为“蠕虫” They call him "The Worm"
因为下雨之后他总是在人行道上。 because he's always on the sidewalk after it rains.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你可以在"名人康复中心"看到他 You can see him on "Celebrity Rehab"
或者是飞往朝鲜的飞行教练。 or flying coach to North Korea.
请欢迎丹尼斯罗德曼。 Please welcome Dennis Rodman.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
嗨，我是丹尼斯罗德曼。 Hi. I'm Dennis Rodman.
我是这个舞台上唯一一个做过很酷的事情的人。 I'm the only guy on this stage has done some really cool shit.
嘿，艾德诺顿。怎么了，伙计？ Hey, Ed Norton. What's up, man?
爱德华的“爱德华”而不是“Ed”，因为他是一个真正的迪克。 Edward goes by "Edward" and not "Ed" because he is a real dick.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
Ed Norton有三个我最喜欢的东西—— Ed Norton was in three of my favorite things --
"美国历史X" "American History X,"
"搏击俱乐部" "Fight Club,"
还有萨尔玛海耶克。 and Salma Hayek.
观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ]
玛莎斯图尔特，我看到你在那里，宝贝。 Martha Stewart, I see you right there, baby.
下次你进监狱的时候，请打电话给我。 The next time you go to jail, please call me.
我将保证你的释放。 I will secure your release.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
看那边那个家伙，Lil Rel。 And look at that guy over there, Lil Rel.
看起来就像大卫奥提兹的波布尔海德。 Looking like fuckin' David Ortiz bobblehead.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我看见你在那儿，宝贝。 Cybill, I see you over there, baby.
我看见你了。 I see you.
赛比尔谢泼德—— Cybill Shepherd --
这听起来像是一种疾病 It sounds like a disease that you get
当你在做一只羊的时候。 when you're fucking a sheep.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
杰夫罗斯—— Jeff Ross --
杰夫的迪克太小了，看起来就像他的坚果的帽子。 Jeff's dick is so small, it looks like a hat for his nuts.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
整个晚上，人们都把约瑟夫叫做“小猫咪”。 People have been calling Joseph a pussy all night.
如果再多一个人叫约瑟夫， If one more person calls Joseph a pussy again,
我要舔他20分钟。 I'm going to lick him for 20 minutes.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
笑 [ Laughs ]
布鲁斯威利斯，我最后一次见到你是在脱衣舞俱乐部。 Bruce Willis, the last time I saw you was in the strip club.
-你记得吗？-我知道。 - You remember that? - I do.
是的，是的，你有。 Yes, yes, you do.
尼基，你在舞台上表现得很好，宝贝。 And, Nikki, you was great on the stage, baby.
谢谢。 Thank you.
布鲁斯，你一直在制造这些该死的炸弹。 Bruce, you keep making these fucking bombs.
但你猜怎么着，金正恩也一样。 But guess what. So does Kim Jong-un.
但至少金正日足够聪明，不会释放他的。 But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我在外面拯救世界。 I'm out there saving the world.
你甚至不能拯救好莱坞。 You can't even save Planet Hollywood.
布鲁斯想出了这个主意 Bruce came up with this whole idea
你知道，关于好莱坞星球的事吗？ about the Planet Hollywood, you know?
他想要和硬石竞争。 He wanted to compete with the Hard Rock.
那真是个好主意，不是吗？ That was a great fuckin' idea, wasn't it?
所以，无论如何，他想要他所有的好莱坞朋友来投资。 So, anyway, he want all his Hollywood friends to invest.
他投入了几十万美元。 He put in hundreds of thousands of dollars.
我花了很多钱。 I put in a lot of damn money.
你欠我的钱比我的家人还多。 You owe me more money than my fuckin' family.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我不是来烤你的。 I'm not here to roast you.
亲爱的，我是来收集的。 I'm here to collect, honey.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
布鲁斯，你一生中做了很多错误的决定， Bruce, you made a lot of bad decisions in your life,
这是我的问题。 and that's coming from me.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我把我的迪克弄断了三次。 I broke my dick three times.
我在没有安全套的情况下和麦当娜打了一场。 I fucked Madonna without a condom.
我甚至结婚了 I even married myself
但我还是以某种方式失去了一半的离婚钱。 and still somehow lost half of my fuckin' money in divorce.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯，非常感谢你邀请我去你的烧烤。 Bruce, thank you very much for inviting me to your roast.
太棒了，伙计。你知道吗？ It's amazing, man. You know what?
你为这个行业做了这么多，你—— You have done so much for this industry, and you --
我总是情绪失控，对吧？ I always get emotional and shit, right?
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
我只是—— I'm just --
小热，小热，小热。 Little hot, little hot, little hot.
小热，小热，伙计们。 Little hot. Little hot, guys.
它只是光。 It's just the light.
-这是灯。-走吧，丹尼斯！ - It's the light. - Go, Dennis!
不管怎样，布鲁斯，你为这个行业做了很多， But anyway, Bruce, you've done so much for this industry,
特别是对于像我们这样的人， especially for people like us,
作为男人，我们没有机会 as men, that we don't have the opportunity
当我们犯错时，我们有勇气面对它 and the courage to face it when we're wrong
我们做出了一个糟糕的决定， and we make that bad decision,
但是我们有一个美丽的家庭， but we have a beautiful family,
你的孩子们必须支持你。 and your kids have to stand by you.
谢谢你邀请我，兄弟。 Thank you for having me, brother.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
-你做得很好。-我差点就死了。 - You did great. - I almost died.
太好了。不，你做得很好。 That's great. No, you did great.
这很艰难。 That was tough.
好吧，听着。 All right, so listen.
我们刚收到一个消息，一个惊喜的客人已经来了。 We actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
女士们，先生们，黛米摩尔。 Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
哇！ Whoo!
谢谢。 Thank you.
惊喜！ Surprise!
谢谢。 Thank you.
你感到惊讶吗？ Are you surprised?
布鲁斯威利斯，你感到惊讶吗？ Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?
-是的。-是的，我知道他会的。 - Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.
我的意思是，尽管我昨天复习了所有的东西， I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday,
我知道他会忘记的。 I knew he'd forget.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
所以，对于那些不认识我的人，我是黛米摩尔。 So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
我嫁给了布鲁斯威利斯 I was married to Bruce Willis
在前三部电影“死硬”电影中， for the first three "Die Hard" movies,
这说得通，因为最后两个很糟糕。 which makes sense, because the last two sucked.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这么多年过去了，我不得不说，你知道吗？ After all these years, I have to say, you know what?
你看起来不错。 You look good.
我的意思是，你的眉毛看起来还是一样的。 I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.
但是我们一起度过了美好的时光。 But we had some great times together.
我的意思是，我们分享了很多。 I mean, we shared a lot.
我有三个漂亮的，了不起的孩子。 I had three beautiful, amazing children.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
如果你数了布鲁斯的话。 Four if you count Bruce.
然后是狗和阿什顿， And then there's the dogs and Ashton,
大概是6个，但你知道。 so it's like six, but you know.
我的意思是，当然，你知道，我们确实争论过 I mean, and, of course, you know, like, we did argue
在孩子们的名字上，最后，布鲁斯赢了。 over the kids' names, and in the end, Bruce won.
这就是为什么他们被“威利斯”卡住了。 That's how they got stuck with "Willis."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
但是我不得不说，我们的女儿们都非常适应， But I have to say, our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted,
考虑到其中两个是布鲁斯威利斯的一半。 considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
但我想说，他是一个伟大的父亲。 But let me just say, he is a great father.
我是说真的。 I mean, seriously.
我的意思是，每个圣诞节，他都会有女孩 I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls
用“药”给他做他的特制咖啡 go make him his special coffee with "medicine,"
我的意思是，他会从烟囱里下来 I mean, he would come down the chimney
在打老婆的t恤上， in the wife-beater T-shirt,
挥舞着那把枪，说：“哇，妈的，妈的！” waving that gun, saying, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!"
耶！ Yeah!
我的意思是，他总是这样称呼他们， And, man, I mean, that's what he's always called them,
他们只是喜欢他的标记线。 and they just -- they just love his tag lines.
我是说，但是你可能不知道—— I mean, but what you might not know --
布鲁斯是超级——我是说，真的很慷慨。 Bruce is super -- I mean, really generous.
我的意思是，当我们的女儿Rumer是个婴儿的时候 I mean, when our daughter Rumer was a baby
轮到他换尿布了 and it was his turn to change the diaper
午夜时分，他俯身过来，低声说， in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper,
他会说，我现在给你1,000美元 and he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now
如果你换尿布。” if you change that diaper."
当然，我不会这么做，因为，律师说， Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well, the lawyer said,
“别担心，我们会处理的。” "Don't worry. We'll take care of it.
我们最终会得到它的。” We'll get it in the end."
斯各特，斯各特让我不要说什么， And Scout -- Scout asked me not to say anything,
但就在上周，他给了她1,000美元 but just last week, he offered her $1,000
换尿布。 to change his diaper.
我的意思是，有些事情永远不会改变。 I mean, you know, some things never change.
他们没有。 They don't.
我的意思是，我们结婚了——让我们看看—— I mean, we were married -- let's see --
差不多12年了，这就像布鲁斯威利斯的84年。 almost 12 years, and that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.
但我在那里度过了一些特别的时刻。 But I was there for some special moments.
就像，开创性的，当布鲁斯—— Like, groundbreaking. When Bruce was --
他在低俗小说中获得了职业生涯的突破。 He got his career-breaking moment in "Pulp Fiction."
-是的。-我是说，这是… - Yeah. - I mean, it was...
这在当时看起来很奇怪。 It seemed really odd at the time.
我的意思是，他是一个大动作明星，就像，做一个小的独立电影， I mean, he's big action star, like, doing a little indie film,
但是布鲁斯去了哈维温斯坦的旅馆， but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein's hotel,
我也不知道。 and I don't know.
他回来时挥舞着那个球， He came back swinging that ball gag,
然后，他说，“我得到了这个角色。” and, man, he said, "I got the part."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我的意思是，我们做的事情很有趣。 I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.
比如，我知道我已经染发了，剪了头发 Like, I know that I have dyed and cut and styled my hair
我不能告诉你——一百万种方式，但不是布鲁斯。 I can't tell you -- a million ways, but not Bruce.
我是说，那是他真正的头发。 I mean, that's his real hair.
女士们，让我告诉你们，地毯和窗帘相配。 And, ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.
笑声，欢呼 [ Laughter, cheering ]
我的意思是，我并不是说他在那里秃顶。 I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.
我只是说，你看哪个地方，它看起来像个迪克。 I'm just saying whichever place you look, it looks like a dick.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你知道，在我们离婚后， You know, after our divorce,
他说他考虑过我们婚姻的终结 he said that he considered the end of our marriage
他最大的失败。 his biggest failure.
但是，布鲁斯，不要对自己太苛刻。 But, Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.
你有更大的失败。 You have had much bigger failures.
我是说，好莱坞星球，哈德逊霍克 I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawk,"
“惊人的距离。” "Striking Distance."
来吧，为迈克尔杜卡基斯竞选。 Come on, campaigning for Michael Dukakis.
我的意思是，拒绝克鲁尼在“十一罗汉”中的角色 I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven"
把注意力集中在吹口琴上。 to focus on playing the harmonica.
我的意思是。 I mean...
我的意思是，我可以继续，但是他们说这是一个两小时的节目，所以。 I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show, so...
但是你知道吗？ But you know what?
我回顾了我们在一起的所有岁月。 I look back over all the years that we've had together.
我们确实经历了起起伏伏，但我不得不说， We certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say,
那是我一生中最美好的时光。 those were some of the best times of my life.
我只是把我们的婚姻看作是“第六感”。 I just look at our marriage like "The Sixth Sense."
你一直都是死的。 You were dead the whole time.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
不开玩笑—— All kidding aside --
说真的，我真的很荣幸能来到这里。 Truly, all kidding aside, I'm really honored to be here.
你是我真正关心的人。 You are someone I truly care about.
你将永远在我心中有一个特别的地方。 You will always have a special place in my heart.
我很感激你在我的生命中 I'm so grateful that you're in my life
我们的孩子们的生活， and our children's lives,
无论如何，你永远是一家人。 and no matter what, you will always be family.
你曾经是一个伟大的朋友，一个伟大的父亲， You've been a great friend, a great father,
很容易就能成为我的前三任丈夫之一。 and easily one of my top three husbands.
笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
谢谢。 Thank you.
晚安。 Good night.
哦，宝贝。 Oh, baby.
-是吗？-哦，太好了。 - Was that all right? - Oh, terrific.
那真是太棒了。 It was fucking great.
你好，凯文波拉克。 Hi, Kevin Pollak.
哦，天哪。 Oh, my God.
接下来，杰夫罗斯。 Coming up, Jeff Ross...
我烤你很久了，妈的！ Me roast you long time, motherfucker!
还有布鲁斯威利斯。 ...and Bruce Willis.
他是一个勇敢的人，或者他需要钱。 He's a brave man or he needs the money.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
我们的下一个烘焙师是Roastmaster General，Jeff Ross。 Our next roaster is the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
他做了14个喜剧中心的烘焙， He's done 14 Comedy Central roasts,
因为如果你做了15次，你就得到了免费的披萨。 because if you do 15, you get a free pizza.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
杰夫将会在“烤肉之战”的第四季首映礼上 Jeff will be on the season premiere of "Roast Battle"
在这个广播之后，如果你想看 after this broadcast, so if you want to see
他到那时候胖了多少，看看吧。 how much fatter he gets by then, check it out.
请欢迎杰夫罗斯！ Please welcome Jeff Ross!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
大家都很高兴。 Happy roast, everyone.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
看看这些美丽的人群。 Look at this beautiful crowd.
今晚，我们要向世界上的范迪塞尔致敬。 Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel.
布鲁斯是一个真正的男人。 Bruce is a real man's man.
他告诉我很多次，今晚不要退缩， He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight,
认识你和你可爱的家庭是件很棒的事， and it's been great getting to know you and your lovely family,
我看到了——我遇到了鲁默，你的女儿。 and I see -- I met Rumer, your daughter.
嗨，鲁默。 Hi, Rumer.
我想这就是你妈妈给你的名字 I guess that's the name your mom gives you
当她不是100%确定你的父亲是谁时。 when she's not 100% sure who your father is.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
拍一张桌子。 Get a shot of that whole table.
这是生命的美丽循环，布鲁斯。 It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce.
你的家人看起来就像你杀死的所有坏人 Your family looks like all the villains you killed off
在“死硬”电影里。 in the "Die Hard" movies.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
真是个传奇。 What a legend.
布鲁斯威利斯一直在与恐怖分子作战 Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists
在他们成为阿拉伯人之前。 since before they were Arab.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯威利斯是支持枪支、支持旗帜和保法的。 Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯威利斯，你太爱你的国家了， Bruce Willis, you love your country so much,
他曾经说过，如果人们想要， he once said that if the people wanted it,
他甚至有一天会竞选总统。 he might even run for president someday.
我会取笑你有政治抱负， I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations,
但上次我这么做的时候， but the last time I did that,
那个笨蛋实际上成了总统。 the fucker actually became president.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
整个晚上，人们都说我长得像你， All night, people are saying I look like you,
但是赛比尔谢泼德看起来就像布鲁斯。詹纳。威利斯。 but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner-Willis.
观众叹息 [ Audience groans ]
和Lil Rel—— And Lil Rel --
李尔看起来就像布鲁斯，“你在说什么，威利斯？” Lil Rel looks like Bruce "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
笑声 [ Laughter ]
布鲁斯威利斯，你，我的朋友，完全是原创的。 Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original.
怎么可能看起来像纳粹和纳粹大屠杀的受害者？ How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim?
你看起来像帕特里克斯图尔特爵士 You look like Sir Patrick Stewart
如果他操作一个摩天轮。 if he operated a Ferris wheel.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
你他妈的是什么电影明星？ How the fuck are you a movie star?
你看起来就像养老院的保镖。 You look like a bouncer at a nursing home.
你就像Elmer Fudd如果他猎杀了坏的脚本 You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts
而不是用瓦比特来代替。 instead of wascally wabbits.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这个该死的家伙。 This fucking guy.
布鲁斯威利斯想要的奥斯卡真他妈的糟糕， Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad,
他慢慢地变成了一个。 he's slowly morphing into one.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这太疯狂了。 It's crazy.
他从好莱坞的领军人物 He went from being Hollywood's leading man
黛米摩尔看着你说，“你知道吗？ to Demi Moore looking at you and saying, "You know what?
我宁愿去和那个“哥们，我的车在哪里”的笨蛋做爱。 I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from "Dude, Where's My Car?"
笑声 [ Laughter ]
但是，布鲁斯，我们都祝你在诉讼中好运 But, Bruce, we all wish you luck with your lawsuit
与蓝人小组对抗。 against the Blue Man Group.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这太有趣了，我的意思是，布鲁斯真是个明星。 This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star.
你已经进入了电影史上最具标志性的场景。 You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history.
我最喜欢的电影低俗小说中的场景 My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction"
当你救了那个家伙，让他在屁股上坐了下来。 when you saved the guy from getting fucked in the ass.
嘿，丹尼斯，在电影的那个时候，你喜欢吗， Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like,
“等等，谁又是坏人？” "Wait, who's the bad guy again?"
笑声 [ Laughter ]
他妈的？ What the fuck?
当然，你最近的电影是一颗大炸弹。 Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb.
“死亡之愿”——一个他妈的臭家伙，布鲁斯。 "Death Wish" -- what a fuckin' stinker, Bruce.
你看起来像是在做自己的特技 You looked like you did your own stunts
还有你自己的灯光，编辑和导演。 and your own lighting, editing, and directing.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
哇！ Whew!
今天晚上的主人， How about a hand for tonight's host,
约瑟夫“无聊”莱维特。 Joseph "Boredom" Levitt.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
JGL！ JGL!
约瑟夫戈登-莱维特—— Joseph Gordon-Levitt --
这三个词比无谷蛋白饼干更无聊。 the only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
谢谢你的打扮，约瑟夫。 Thanks for dressing up, Joseph.
你在去舞会的路上看起来像个女同性恋。 You look like a lesbian on the way to prom.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
是的。 Yeah.
约瑟夫主演了“太阳3号岩石” Joseph starred in "3rd Rock from the Sun,"
丹尼斯罗德曼在他儿子面前抽了三根石头。 and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
是啊，为什么不呢？ Yeah, why not?
为我们的下一任国务卿， Give it up for our next Secretary of State,
我的丈夫丹尼斯罗德曼。 my man Dennis Rodman.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
你认为金正恩是个好人， You think Kim Jong-un is a nice guy,
他认为你是斯科蒂皮蓬。 and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen.
笑声，掌声 [ Laughter, applause ]
我的朋友Lil Rel在这里。 My pal Lil Rel is here.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
太高兴了，伙计。太高兴了。 So happy for you, buddy. So happy.
祝贺你的成功和你的最新电影， Congrats on all your success and your newest film,
“愤怒的小鸟2。” "Angry Birds 2."
很高兴看到你没有卖出去。 Good to see you're not selling out.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
吉姆克罗，你在玩什么？ What do you play, Jim Crow?
观众叹息 [ Audience groans ]
很高兴又见到了赛比尔谢泼德。 Great to see Cybill Shepherd again.
就像大多数牧羊人一样， And just like most shepherds,
在过去的两个世纪里，Cybill并没有做太多的工作。 Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
好的。 Okay.
西比尔和猫王有过一段风流韵事。真酷，伙计。 Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man.
在他们的风流韵事多年后， Years after their affair,
西比尔透露说，埃尔维斯对你很失望。 Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you.
这是真的吗？是的。 Is that true? Yeah.
好的。 All right.
该死的！ Hell yeah!
哇。 Wow.
你可能会认为猎犬的嗅觉会更好。 You'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell.
观众叹息 [ Audience groans ]
哦，天哪！ Oh, my God!
说到月光， And speaking of moonlighting,
Dom Irrera不得不取消两班通心粉烧烤 Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill
在这里。 to be here.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
笑 [ Laughs ]
Dom Irrera是你之前的样子， Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say,
“明天，我要开始果汁排毒。” "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse."
对，没错。 True. That's right.
凯文波拉克，我爱你，伙计， Kevin Pollak, I love you, man,
但是克里斯托弗沃尔肯的印象太老了， but that Christopher Walken impression is so old,
阿什顿库彻试图与之结婚。 Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
爱你，凯文。请坐。 Love you, Kevin. Sit tight.
只要保罗吉亚提死，你就会变大。 You're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies.
-布鲁斯-是吗？ - Bruce. - Yes?
你已经完成了这么多，伙计， You've accomplished so much, buddy,
但我认为这将永远是你一鸣惊人的"世界末日" but I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon"
这是对你职业生涯最重要的比喻， that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career,
因为最后，你被石头摧毁了。 because in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock.
美国新泽西男孩长大后皮肤很厚， Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin,
所以我知道你今晚会是一项伟大的运动， so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight,
我希望你继续成功，健康， and I wish you continued success, good health,
我迫不及待地想看看你的下一个项目 and I can't wait to see your next project --
“死硬6：自然原因。” "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes."
笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
哦，宝贝。 [ Laughs ] Oh, baby.
-爱你，伙计。-那就是——爱你。 - Love you, buddy. - That was -- Love you, too.
-哦，天啊，难以置信。-太有趣了。 - Oh, God. Unbelievable. - So fun.
-让他们死在那里。-太有趣了。 - Knock 'em dead over there. - So much fun.
杰夫。罗斯他妈的毁了。 Jeff Ross just fucking destroyed.
布鲁斯威利斯来了，复仇了。 Coming up, Bruce Willis with a vengeance.
威利斯：人们会哭的。 Willis: People are gonna be crying.
他们会笑的。 They're gonna be laughing.
很明显，他们会让人们喝酒。 Apparently, they're gonna let people drink.
你认为这会是一个问题吗？ Do you think that's gonna be a problem?
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
放弃它，让它成为牢不可破的， Give it up for the unbreakable, unmistakable,
最漂亮的，最摇滚的哈德逊。 rippin-est, rockin-est the Hudson Hawken-est.
他是那个时代的人， He's the man of the hour,
来自中臣塔，布鲁斯威利斯！ from the Nakatomi Tower, Bruce Willis!
如果你不尊重自己 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪
没有人会给你一个好东西，na-na-na哦 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot, na-na-na oh ♪
尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
哦！ Willis: Whoo!
出来吃烤肉。 Come out to the roast.
我们会聚在一起，开怀大笑。 We'll get together and have a few laughs.
如果你是布鲁斯威利斯的电影迷， If you're fan of Bruce Willis movies,
我知道你是。 and I know that you are...
然后你就知道这是怎么回事了。 then you know how this works.
我被打了一个半小时的屁屁， I get the shit beat out of me for about an hour and a half,
最后，我回来，把大家都甩了。 and then at the end, I come back and whip everybody's ass.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
出去！ Out!
所以，系上安全带，婊子！ So, buckle up, bitches!
这是在“时间”！ This is ass-whuppin' time!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
这就是我所说的。 That's what I'm talking about.
你知道，在我的动作片中， You know, in my action movies,
总有一些年轻的朋克想要来找我， there's always some young punk trying to come at me,
今晚，是犹大戈登-莱维特。 and tonight, it's Judas Gordon-Levitt.
乔，我把你带到我的羽翼之下，试图让你变得坚强， Joe, I took you under my wing, tried to make you tough,
想让你成为一个动作明星， tried to make you an action star,
这对一个孩子来说不是件容易的事 which ain't easy to do with a kid
谁看起来像花样滑冰的坏男孩。 who looks like the bad boy of figure skating.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
约瑟夫在“卢佩尔”中扮演一个更年轻的我。 Joseph played a younger me in "Looper."
不能把它拉下来。 Couldn't pull it off.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
只有一个演员成功地扮演了我的角色。 There's only one actor who successfully played me.
那是黛米摩尔。 It was Demi Moore.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
她赚的钱比你多，甜心。 And she made a lot more money than you did, sweetheart.
杰夫罗斯，你做了多少次烘焙？ Jeff Ross, how many of these roasts have you done?
很多。 Plenty.
做同样的事情永远不会成功 You'll never get successful doing the same thing
杰夫，一遍又一遍。 over and over and over, Jeff.
我是说，我做到了，但你不能。 I mean, I did, but you can't.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我来告诉你们谁是坏蛋， I'll tell you who's a badass up here,
这是我的朋友爱德华诺顿。 and that is my buddy Edward Norton.
去他妈的！ Get the fuck up here!
“搏击俱乐部”对你来说是一部完美的电影。 "Fight Club" was the perfect movie for you.
谁不想看艾德诺顿 Who doesn't want to watch Ed Norton
在脸上被打了90分钟？ get punched in the face for about 90 minutes?
我爱你，艾德，我爱你。 I love you, Ed. I do.
但是你在这个镇上有一个代表。 But you do have a rep in this town for being...
你知道，很难共事。 you know, hard to work with.
诺顿用错误的方式揉搓了更多的人 Norton's rubbed more people the wrong way
哈维温斯坦。 than Harvey Weinstein.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
对不起。 Sorry.
但你在“意大利工作”中表现得很好。 But you were great in "The Italian Job."
观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ]
意大利人的工作也是当你的“该死的”Dom Irrera。 An Italian job is also when you titty fuck Dom Irrera.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
李尔，看见你在“滚出去”。 Lil Rel. Saw you in "Get Out."
伙计，我喜欢那部电影。 Man, I love that movie.
如果你没看过，那是关于黑人的 If you haven't seen it, it's about how black people
是非常粗鲁的客人。 are really rude house guests.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
现在我想要在这里面对最困难的人—— And now I want to take on the toughest person up here --
我的朋友曾经是玛莎。斯图尔特。 my friend ex-con Martha Stewart.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
是的，宝贝。 Yeah, baby.
如果有人能在监狱里活下来， If anyone can survive in prison,
这是一个可以扔沙拉的人。 it's someone who can toss a salad.
观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ]
没错。 That's right.
玛莎是一个真正的企业大亨。 Martha's a real corporate kingpin.
她甚至有自己的葡萄酒品牌。 She even has her own brand of wine.
这就像她的男朋友，它在一个旧盒子里。 It's like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
玛莎也是一个人道主义者。 Martha is also a humanitarian.
当她听说边境的孩子们住在狭小的笼子里时， When she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages,
她寄给他们缝纫机。 she sent them sewing machines.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
这有什么问题吗？ What's wrong with that?
凯文波拉克，欢迎来到派对，伙计。 Kevin Pollak, welcome to the party, pal.
你的整个职业生涯都归功于你所扮演的角色。 You owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate.
你在施瓦辛格身上赚的钱比他的女佣赚的还多。 You've made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
更不用提，你更擅长打扫房子。 And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses.
尼基。格拉泽，我是一个超级粉丝。 Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan.
你和文斯沃恩在“婚礼终结者”中表现得很好。 You and Vince Vaughn were great in "Wedding Crashers."
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我看到了！ I see it!
-我看见了-对不起。 - I see it. - I'm sorry.
你知道的，我最年长的朋友，赛比尔。 You know, Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend.
我认识的人更久， There's people I've known longer,
但你是我最老的朋友。 but you are my oldest friend.
当我在“月光照明”剧组工作的时候 When I got cast in "Moonlighting,"
他们挑选了我3,000多名演员 they picked me over 3,000 other actors
因为他们想要一个人 because they wanted someone
谁没有和西比尔有过性史。 who didn't have a sexual history with Cybill.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
很高兴能和你一起上电视，亲爱的， It's so great to be back on TV with you, honey,
在另一场由我主演的电视剧中。 in another show starring me.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
我很抱歉。 I'm so sorry.
对不起。 Sorry.
最后，它太棒了 And finally, it's so great
请尊敬的外交官丹尼斯罗德曼在这里。 to have the esteemed diplomat Dennis Rodman here.
-哇！-哦，狗屎。 - Whoo! - Oh, shit.
我不想说丹尼斯是一个糟糕的谈判者， I don't want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator,
但他认为是鞋子交易 but he thinks a shoe deal
当你同时得到两个。 is when you get two at the same time.
笑声 [ Laughter ]
丹尼斯，你和金正恩是如何沟通的 Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communicate
你们谁都不会说英语？ when neither of you speak English?
丹尼斯，我知道你认为 Dennis, I know you think
你拯救了这个世界，这是一件大事， it's a big deal that you saved the world,
但它并没有它所能达到的那么多。 but it's not as much as it's made up to be.
谁在乎？我拯救了世界18次。 Who cares? I've saved the world 18 times.
什么也不能阻止我。 Nothing can keep me down.
我被恐怖分子，小行星， I've been attacked by terrorists, asteroids,
电影评论家，音乐评论家，餐厅评论家， film critics, music critics, restaurant critics,
离婚律师，男性秃头， divorce lawyers, male-pattern baldness,
没有一个，没有一个能阻止我 and none of it -- none of it stopped me
因为我还是布鲁斯福克的威利斯。 because I am still Bruce Fuckin' Willis.
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
人们问我为什么要做这种烤肉。 People ask me why I did this roast.
是因为最后一个人做了这件事 Was it because one of the last guys who did it
成为总统？ became president?
不。 Hell no.
我为什么要当总统 Why would I want to be president
当我还能继续当布鲁斯？ when I can just keep being Bruce Fuckin' Willis?
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
嗯？是吗？ Huh? Yeah?
我做这个烤肉是有原因的，而且只有一个原因—— I did this roast for one reason and for one reason only --
一劳永逸地解决问题。 to settle something once and for all.
现在，请仔细听。 Now, please, listen very carefully.
“死硬”不是一部圣诞电影！ "Die Hard" is not a Christmas movie!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
这是一部该死的布鲁斯威利斯的电影。 It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie.
所以，对你们所有的人来说，yip小便基耶。 So, yippee ki-yay to all of you motherfuckers.
晚安！ Good night!
欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ]
“尊重你自己” [ "Respect Yourself" plays ]
♪♪
口琴演奏 [ Harmonica playing ]
♪♪
尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself
哦，是的，是的 ♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah
如果你不尊重自己 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪
没人会给你一个好东西 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪
娜娜-娜-娜 ♪ Na-na-na-na
尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself
♪♪
小丫头，妈的！ Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!
我最喜欢的笑话是杰夫罗斯， My favorite joke of the night was Jeff Ross,
你要和蓝人小组打官司。 that you have a lawsuit going with the Blue Man Group.
-她看起来不错。-是的。 - She looks great. - Yeah.
我不知道黛米摩尔 Ross: I had no idea Demi Moore
会在他的烤肉时出来。 would ever come out at his roast.
而且她很滑稽，很有魅力。 And she was hilarious, to boot.
她看起来棒极了。 And she looks great.
希望她能参加完派对。 So hopefully she'll be at the after party.
我想我有机会了。 I think I got a shot.
我以为会有什么东西会让我的下巴脱臼 I thought something was gonna dislocate my jaw
因为我笑得那么厉害。 'cause I was laughing so hard.
就像这样，我就像个咕哝着的人 It was going like this. I was like [Grunts]
“我想我再也不能把它拉下来了。” "I don't think I can pull it down anymore."
关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com